LOST A SOCK

Fixing It

One of the things I hadn't really brought up here in the last few months, and really for no other reason than I was simply working to figure things out and hadn't solidified my thoughts yet, was the concept of my daughter starting preschool.  KJ went to preschool for two years.  Jack went to preschool for two days.  Marin, I assumed, would begin preschool in late August of this year.  Homeschoolers or not, I really like formal preschool.  I like the early social interaction in a playfully educational setting, I like the projects and the stories, I like the general environment.  I was once a preschool teacher and it was a positively swell place to spend my days.  

As I have watched Marin emerge from her babyhood, there are a few things that stand out about her.  First, she is quite independent.  She knows what is going on around here all of the time, and she has the determination and confidence to jump right in when she thinks she can handle something.  She cooks meals with me, cleans up her own messes, and tells her two older brothers like it is.  It is really fun to watch her work at her own pace, as I welcome the ways in which she chooses to exert her independence, and also every way she is still a baby.  She is often so sweet, rubbing the palms of her little hands on my cheeks as she says she loves me, and dancing while Kevin plays the acoustic guitar on the edge of our bed.  All of these things make it a great time to be her mom, and these were also some of the reasons I thought she might benefit from starting preschool a little earlier than her brothers did.  She could have her own friends, then, instead of always being the littlest sister in the group of homeschoolers, and she could "do her work" as she always asked for when KJ and Jack sit down to do theirs.  I wanted to give her the opportunity to expand her little self in a larger setting, and as an added benefit, the boys and I would gain two quiet hours each morning in between drop-off and pick up where we could conquer the "tough" work of the day-- reading about the Renaissance or classifying living species into categories and sub-categories.  No more occupying her with Peppa Pig on tv or the box of dry beans and rice or play-doh, while I crammed in as much as I could with the boys while her attention was diverted.  We could each have something appropriate to put our energy into. 

We are in week three of preschool now, and back to homeschool after Christmas break.  Marin is taking her time to transition in, and her new teachers have been great about letting her do as much or as little as she is ready for.  I took my time during the late months of last year to find the best fit for her, and I kept coming back around to Montessori being it.  The self-guided pace is exactly the way we homeschool, and the atmosphere is structured, but not in a way that would squash personal development.  There are quite a few kids in class that are Mar's age and even younger, so I don't feel like there is any pressure for her to be more of a "school kid" than she is ready for.  She sings Wheels on the Bus, draws pictures, enjoys snacks.  So far, so good.

The other thing, about this particular moment we are in, seems to be all about eruption.  Not knowing exactly how to address it, where to file it, or how to put something like this out there delicately, up until now I have never discussed here, that my girl is struggling.  From the time she was about a year old and learned to do it, Marin has been tugging at her clothes and fighting the very idea of dressing in the first place, and most often spends her days mostly without them.  Early on I assumed this would be a passing phase, or even something funny she was just going through.  I just let her be as much as I could, and worked around the little quirks she seemed to have about gym shoes and socks, diapers and having anything done to her hair.  She melted down, almost always, when it was time to get dressed to leave the house, or get ready for bed.  It became stressful, and I tried everything I could think of to curb the meltdowns, just waiting for her to outgrow this silliness.  I praised her like crazy on rare occasions where we made it out of the house and to the car without a fight.  I distracted her.  I gave her choices, allowed her to wear what she wanted.  I got strict with her.  I got frustrated and yelled my head off sometimes because I felt I could not handle yet another meltdown.  

I tried preparing her to dress in the morning, or giving her time to ride the panic out, but I learned pretty quickly to wait, until almost the last minute before we were leaving somewhere, to dress my daughter.  From the minute she knows clothes are coming, she freaks out.  Things escalate very quickly, then, from anxiety to full-on temper tantrum.  I move from one article of clothing to the next as she kicks and screams-- yes, every time we leave the house, as many times a day as we leave the house, for almost two years now.  Our neighbors have watched me carry her to the car, red, flailing and screaming, more times than I care to think about.  The colder it is and the more clothing that is required, the worse it is.  Coats are near impossible, and zippers, hats and gloves out of the question.  Fixing her hair is hardly worth the battle, and thus her recent short haircut.  Even worse is putting the five point harness of her car seat on her, because she will carry the tantrum on in the car, for every car ride, for up to thirty or more minutes, depending on where we are going.  She simply cannot tolerate anything restrictive or setting up against her skin.  There is no distracting her, there is no reasoning with her, there is no punishment or reward that has worked to change this every-day scenario.  Every homeschool outing and every drive to church begins like this for us, as does every summer camp and preschool drop-off, and every playdate.  

Bedtime is just as bad, and sometimes worse because The Tired is involved.  Sleeping in pajamas has been a no-go for a very long time, and pull-ups the fight of a lifetime.  She doesn't tolerate blankets, and after spending so many months of fighting about keeping the nighttime pull-up on, we gave up.  She is on her third mattress, and there have been days and weeks we've even given up on the concept of sheets, if only to change and wash them every single day.  

I tried for so long to just handle it.  I so rarely even brought it up to people, for fear that I would make my poor girl look like a screaming lunatic.  By the time we arrive at our destination, generally, she knows that she will be free of her car seat buckles and able to at least remove her coat and on to the activity, and she gets some relief.  She is as sweet as can be, a truly adorable kid, when we are not in these moments.  At her two year pediatrician appointment, I brought the clothing thing up.  I still assumed she was being an obstinate toddler and would outgrow it, and our doctor thought the same.  By her three year visit late this summer I was tired, and I stressed to our pediatrician how difficult a situation this is, having our child constantly melting down about clothing and screaming for us to FIX IT and get it away from her skin.  The doctor suggested we have her fix it, only, and she would learn to deal with whatever she was going through.  It seemed to get worse instead of better after that, and one night I confided in two of my homeschool mom friends, completely opening up about how awful this has become, for all of us to live with this constant problem.  They suggested I find underwear without any sort of edging, and let her wear sweatpants every day if that was what she could tolerate, and for goodness sakes, call the doctor again.  They near simultaneously said it sounded like a sensory problem, something I had considered before, but had pushed away when our pediatrician suggested we ride it out.  

I felt so relieved.  I felt awful, too, like I was ratting my sweet little girl out, but my friends were so understanding and helpful.  Of course things like skirts with tights, gym shoes and braided hair had been out of the picture for so long I'd forgotten them, but I moved on to the most simple clothing I could find.  I have allowed her to choose her clothing every day since, even when it means mis-matching, even though it always means the same pair of shoes, one size too big so she will agree to socks.  I allow her to wear last year's play coat everywhere now, instead of the pretty new one I had bought for this year, because there is no elastic at the wrists of the play coat and that is one less thing to get worked up about.  We don't zip her coat.  Even now, in the winter, unless we are outside for an extended amount of time and I become willing to battle if we must.  We still deal with meltdowns, every day in the car and most nights at bedtime.

I did call our doctor back that week, and somehow ended up speaking with another doctor in the practice, who agreed that it sounded like something sensory was going on.  We received our referral and were placed on waiting lists at several different clinics for an evaluation.  Finally, after more than two months on waiting lists, we received a call from a clinic and on Monday, Marin had her evaluation.  And she does indeed suffer from Sensory Processing Disorder, where her brain is having difficulty regulating her sense of touch, creating inappropriate responses to perfectly normal things like clothing.

And there are ways to help her. 

To say that I feel that a weight has been lifted is an understatement-- even by the medical validation alone.  My beautiful blue-eyed, blond haired little girl is not badly behaved.  She has a real problem and she is going to get help.  Just a few days in, I am reading everything I can about SPD and pressure massage and serotonin release.  We've now had our first pow-wow with our new occupational therapist, and she has lots of ideas for how we can begin working to calm my daughter and teach her nervous system what is okay.  I continue to be frustrated in the car, this morning even, on our way to school.  The screaming and the squirming out of her buckles and removing her coat in the middle of January while I drive, causing me to pull over and re-buckle her... though forget it about the damn coat, at least until we arrive.  

Somehow we are really going to fix it.  I am so thankful for that.

2011 in the rearview

Initially I thought to comment, Well that went fast, when I realized it was time to recap the year that just started five minutes ago.  But then as the past year came into better focus, I knew that the quickness of its passage was less about its days and moments, and more about the fact that the years--they are really moving.  I love growing, I love getting older, I love my grey hairs and tiny little wrinkles left from smiling, I love change.  Bring it, 2012.

But first, for the short and sweet in the record book, allow me to recap 2011.

We began the year as we always do, on a ladder with paint brush in hand.  (Myself, that is. Not my kids.)  My kids were elbow deep in homeschool, and in a bin of dry rice and beans at the time, and we were eight months into our wait for our baby to be referred to us, from Africa.

This was a path that I somehow knew I would walk, at least in the years after I became a mom, though I never could have predicted our story thus far to present as it does in this moment.  While waiting for our referral, we began learning of so much corruption surrounding the situation in that particular country, and eventually we made what felt like the only ethical choice to make, given the circumstances, and we brought our paperwork back home.  I know with certainty that even now, had we stayed the course in spite of our concerns, we still would not have had our baby home today, and if we felt waist-deep in a terrible situation at the beginning of the year, without going into detail, we would have been up to our eyeballs by now.  Even our own agency, who we once had so much faith in, has not emerged with clean hands, and it leaves me feeling just sick for the babies and children who are involuntarily growing up in the center of this cold and dirty hurricane.  In this way the world appears uglier than ever to me, having joined the scene ready to help a child or children as we could, and then having witnessed such an unfolding.  It left me feeling hopeless for the kids at the center, and so very sorry for the well-intentioned adoptive and birth families caught in the swirling periphery. 

I am sorry to say that I came away from this once-exciting time to experience a grief I hadn't known before- a miscarriage of sorts, only for which there are no pre-determined parameters for how one should expect to feel after spending the better part of two years preparing for and dreaming about this very real baby that would join our family, only to walk away with empty arms.  Adoption is not just a thing that people decide to get into, but something we get into with our whole hearts and with our kids and families and friends and finances.  We create space in our homes and excitedly count down until this little person who already feels like one of us, comes along to finally be one of us.  The process, then, of giving away the toys I had saved, the blankets and clothing I had collected and telling each and every person of our turn of events left me mournful and exhausted.  The winter went long, and it felt dark and sometimes lonely.

I journaled a lot through that time, and searched to find the silver lining day after day, because it was the best of my options.  And I opened myself up to the possibility that I could somehow come out of this experience with greater breadth, and build something from all the little pieces.

By the grace of God, I met a friend of a friend very soon after that, who somehow got me instantly, right where I was, and sat with me in the space where I chose to work through our adoption into its roots.  My sadness for everything that had ever failed was palpable, then.  I saw all of that emotion and heartache, some of which I had carried with me since I was my own little kid, and I picked it apart and allowed it to become something new when it was ready.  I had grown into a better mother for all I had learned, and a better self for what I now understood.  The process, the preparation, the loss and the disaster we witnessed was what we simply had to endure for all that could come out of it and still is yet to come.  

And just like that, Spring arrived.

We were okay. We were all okay.  We were built for these sorts of deep life lessons-- a whole Master's Degree, really, on what fear and disappointment and love are all about.  How thankful I am to have come through all of this with a heart open to possibility, though it was no picnic at the time.

It was Mother's Day before I knew it and I was the mom of three amazing little kids, and we spent the morning on a hike, and laying in green grass, absorbing the sunshine.  I will never forget that Sunday morning, because I think it was one of the most perfect, ever, in my book.  I hired our wonderful babysitter for a few hours a week, beginning last Spring, to give me the occasional break that I didn't know I could (should!) grant myself and my kids. I became more familiar with poetry and bounced along on positive, super-fun music.  We had kitchen dance parties in the afternoon and at night, just the kids and I, or the kids and I and Kevin and Sant and Leslie-- all through the house with the music blasting.   

I threw caution to the wind and painted on all sorts of canvases, and put hardwood floors in our house and painted a few walls more.

We saw art.  We made art.

We plastered art all over our walls, and we didn't apologize for the mess.

We hiked,

and we drove,

and we celebrated.  

I felt that I should meet my inner perfectionist, somewhere in all that, and shake her up a little bit.  The world was not perfect, and I was not perfect.  The world was ugly and messy and dissapointing, and I needed to stare into all of that to understand that it was somehow part of something beautiful.  And so with each opportunity, to this very moment, I am asking myself what I can do with the beautiful messiness, and who will still love and accept me should they walk right into it with me.

And the answer, of course, is this little, solid group of friends and family whom I have intentionally placed around myself, like a group of fluffy pillows to pad my falls.  I am blessed.  Not lucky, as I tossed out there in my last post.  I believe, actually, in neither luck, nor coincidence, nor accidents.  I am here and happy and more whole than ever because I chose to experience awe and gratitude, again and again, for all of the blessings that come my way.  I am following my intuition as best I can, always chasing truth and what is real, and facing the hard work as it shows up, so that I can continue growing into the best version of myself-- all of those failings, and all of that messiness included.  There is more work to be done.

I added to my inky collection last summer, the word that hums through the undertones of my life, and five little birds in flight, for the five of us- Kevin and the kids and I, making this journey together.

We traveled a good deal this year, down to Indianapolis to spend some days with these little buddies of ours while their Mama delivered their new baby, 

and with these buddies of ours (also speaking of new, third babies) to Wisconsin Dells for a fun vacation.

We did the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee this year with family, 

in a mountainside cabin with a view and a settling energy I will never forget,

and we found ourselves floating down a river in bright yellow innertubes.

Kevin and I took a trip to Vegas for our eleventh wedding anniversary, 

and we experienced Utah and Arizona, where we hiked through quiet and still, rocky caverns.

I collected twenty-three pages of favorite quotes this year,

and finally figured out a layout and an atmosphere that is comfortable to me, here.

We saw the Dalai Lama speak in person over the summer, and I attended a fantastic monthly Buddhist meditation class.  Each Kevin and I did something we said we would never do again, and spent the last six months settling into churches we both love, each of us supporting the other with where we need to be.  We've gotten involved with a monthly soup kitchen, and we've met more new friends who have turned out to be icing on the cake.

We've created bonds with our homeschool buddies and taken lots of day-trips.  I bought an iPhone, I conquered every version of Angry Birds, I took the kids to see lots of plays and musicals this year.   

Kevin and I saw U2, which was hands-down, the best concert ever (even if I failed to bring my real camera).

I read this year.  I read and read and read and read, 

and it was one journey inward (and backwards and forwards) after the next.

We said good-bye to friends, both very real friends and quasi-real,

and we watched quietly the sun set,

the silkworm dangle,

and the Autumn breeze blow.

We hosted the holidays again,

and counted ourselves so blessed for full tables and full bellies.

We enjoyed the glow, 

remain present,

and bring nothing but hope, bravery, possibility and love to the year ahead.

Recently...

Scenes from a Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Week, Haphazard Edition

I keep thinking I want to post a spattering of pictures from our last few months of school.  I will get to them, I think, and then the day goes long, long, long, and better luck tomorrow.  

No luck.  

Here's my quick blurb.

We have been spending time at the Indiana Dunes with some of our homeschool buddies, and our kids have taken well to to the art of the camp fire, and roasting hot dogs and marshmallows.  Above, Marin collecting long, thin sticks that can poke through our treats for the fire.  Below, cold, bare grey and brown tree branches.  Lots and lots of branches.  We are again down to the blue sky for color, when we can see it.

We are hosting Thanksgiving at our house this week, with plans for a perfectly set table for twenty.  My sister-in-law's family has flown in from across the country, for the week, and I sometimes marvel about how families are made.  There was mine, and his, and hers, and ours, and some others here and there, and eventually we were planning Thanksgiving together as one big happy, and I love it.  I would love for everyone to bring a friend, and another, and another, until we are all very comfortable and filled with stuffing and pie, and feeling well loved.  I am so thankful for all of these people who walk our journey with us.

We are finishing up our unit on the Human Body in Science.  Nerves, followed by muscles.  Next we will delve into heat and its properties and producers and the way it travels.  Conduction, convection, radiation.  I need to order all those books from the library.  

My kindergartner has become the king decoder of words that end in "silent e."  One moment he was slowly decoding every letter of every word, and the next moment, it seems, he had turned the lock with a key, and got it.  Magic.   

He has also discovered the fine art of end punctuation.  It lives everywhere.

The kids needed haircuts, so I plopped each one up on the bathroom counter tonight, and trimmed away before baths.  Then I cleaned their ears and trimmed their nails and smelled their fresh little heads.  I love it when everyone is all squeaky clean at once.

My oldest guy and I (much too old to have his nails trimmed and his hair washed by mom) sit on the couch for a small, quiet fraction of most afternoons and read US History together.  We read from our Smithsonian History Encyclopedia, digging up the details on Anne Hutchinson and the Puritans and William Penn and his Pennsylvania colony, and all the others who braved their way over here for something so important as freedom to worship in whatever way they preferred.  Sometimes when I think we have read enough for the day, I suggest we bookmark here, and then he asks for just a little more.  This, too, feels magical to me.  

The last time I steam cleaned our carpets, late at night, I woke up in the morning to find dog vomit right in the center of the hall floor.  I cleaned them again last night, and would appreciate if they could remain clean for at least a few days.  It's a shame that more of the various liquid-spilling individuals in this house cannot read.  I might post an effective note. 

I have cleared our calendar from this morning until Wednesday night, so that I can focus on school, and Thanksgiving, and a website project for a friend.  This is equal parts exciting and red, bumpy hive inducing.

The kids are all sleeping, and Kevin just arrived home.  He offered me his peanut butter and apricot jelly sandwich special, and now we commence watching The Fabric of the Cosmos.  After that I will take out half of my new pile of reading material.  Or at least, drift off to sleep trying.

Happy Monday, friends.

Release

I entered a brand new place this season, this last week.  It is dark and beautiful, exactly like this.

It is a place I did not see coming, nor did I fully understand that I was headed to, until very suddenly I stood at the edge of this brown, twiggy, comfortable nest and was thrust upward and outward by a burst of air.  There I was, looking for something to set my feet on, though there was suddenly little familiar.  

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart).

I experienced a loss this week, a person very close to me who moved away, across the country.  I've had her nearly my whole life, to walk arm and arm with on the breezy Chicago sidewalks to get stir-fry and later, giant cups of coffee, and drive up and down Lake Shore Drive together in every season with the very best music playing like our soundtrack.  But the time came.  

Then I heard just a day later that our once-home, our high school, was closing.  How appropriate, I thought.

I have moved out of my childhood home, my state, my first little house with my husband and babies, have graduated from schools, changed jobs and grew apart from friends, just like everyone.  This one feels different-- sharp and dull at the same time, leaving me to ache.

And ache, and ache, and ache.

I just want to pull off the road and stop moving for a few minutes-- sit in the grass and take it in.  Honor it.  I've sat quietly with my head on Kevin's shoulder, slept in, carbed out, read my favorite poems and quotes, played Adagio in G Minor on repeat, and now this one.  Just for a few more minutes, until the world makes sense again.  

Everything is going to be okay.  Everything IS okay.  Of course it is, I know that.  We are each moving in the exact perfect direction.  So my life will involve more airplane rides, and the California sunshine and mountains and the Pacific Ocean.  Like that's a bad thing, right?

This weekend as Kevin and I and the kids went out to Notre Dame, while we were eating our picnic peanut butter and jellies on the soft green grass under the trees, I was looking up and watching the leaves fall.  I was thinking about this past Spring when I watched them all blossom and grow in.  They were yellowish babies and flowers, and green and alive and delicate all summer. They saved the best for last, I think-- each one changing to glorious reds and oranges and bright yellows like the summer sun.  How does each one know when its moment has come?  When it is time to release from the tree that grew it?

Off on its own after that familiar sway in the wind all Spring and Summer and early Fall.  One big opportunity to really fly before it reaches the ground.

Before it reaches these guys, to eventually become the very soil that will nourish the tree from which it grew in the first place.

I have been thinking a lot about how everything moves in cycles.  I am working on the Rock Cycle with my kids right now in Science.  (Who knew there was a Rock Cycle??)  Last year, the Water Cycle, the Seasons, and so on.  There is familiarity everywhere, over and over again.  We're looping, and without so much as my asking for it, the next perfect thing shows right up.

I remember being a kid, growing up in our South Side Chicago church.  We practically lived there, I thought.  (We did.)  I knew the leather kneelers and the patterns on the floor, and the red carpeting and its texture which was somewhat puffier on the altar than it was in the aisles.  I still know the smell of the finish on the old wooden pews and the way the sunlight would come through the enormous stained glass windows during certain masses, and afterward.  It is what home felt like.

The time came for us to leave there just as I began college.  I grew up and got married and looked everywhere but just couldn't find the place that felt like home.  I left the religion altogether and thought for sure I was finished with any sort of building that could hold such a great, big, fascinating God.  I was as finished as I needed to be, and for as long as I needed to be.  I thought maybe forever.

It is really important to grant ourselves all the space we need, sometimes.

It allowed me the freedom to walk through every kind of church-- great big buildings with crosses or Buddhas, green, crunchy forests of old, knowing trees, and the relaxed breathe in, breathe out of my favorite, quiet meditation spot. It was perfect.  And then within a few years, or ten, we cycled back.  We branched out, and we are settling in.

A couple weeks ago on a Sunday morning, as we drove up the block in front of the church we joined earlier this summer, Marin said something from the back seat of the car about our church.  And it felt like...something.  Maybe the grain of the pews make sense to her little three-year-old mind, or the cool morning light that enters the blue stained glass windows.  Maybe familiarity is growing and we are circling back.

Maybe, I hope, this sort of ending too, is actually the very small, still unfamiliar beginning of something enormous and beautiful that I will come to understand, and curl right up into.

Five more minutes of quiet, hanging here like a silkworm on an invisible, yet strong, stable thread.  Remaining still until the breeze blows again and the ache subsides, reminding me that everything has always been perfect.

This entry brought to you by the colors red, yellow, orange, green and blue. And a smidge of purple. Brought to you by...Fall.

Friends!

It has arrived.

Everywhere we go I am watching these leaves turn brilliant hues.

First it's those beautiful baby Maples that go orange and red.  That is where we are this week.

And sweet yellows.

We are also in fall football-- nine through eleven year old flag football for KJ, and Notre Dame, and the Oklahoma Sooners.  And occasionally, Da Bears.

That is, when I am not loading our crew into the car, seeking out wooded trails and reflective ponds, and festivals where the sweet smell of kettle corn bounces along on the cool Autumn breeze.

Have I ever told you how much I love Fall?  That it is my season?  Don't worry.  I will share with you.  Everything is better when it is shared.

Go pop yourself a big bowl of popcorn, slice a couple apples and drizzle a little caramel on top.  Sprinkle that with a handful of dry-roasted peanuts.  Then grab a cozy, hooded sweater and come back here and get dreamy with me.  

Go ahead.  I will wait.

Perfect, right?

We purchased a family membership to the Chicago area Arboretum & Botanic Gardens this year, because when a family of five pays admission for a one-day visit it is well within common sense to get a membership instead, visit just once or twice or fifteen times more within the next twelve months, and deepen the discount.  Most especially with the way we hands-on homeschool, this makes sense for our family.  

It gives us lots of excuses reasons to return, as often as the mood strikes us.

In the last few months I have been playing a lot with light-- the late afternoon sunshine in this season, and the way it sits on flat leafy surfaces, and lines the pointy edges.

I love the way it filters through the just-thin-enough leaves and creates shadows of neighbors in the overlaps, and spotty bokeh backgrounds.

Especially fun throughout this summer and fall has been my ability to let go of the need for still days, and photograph with the wind.  I like to study the outlines of background twigs and leaves in the shot to get a feel for the energy of the trees.

Energy what?

We have been getting all kinds of weather during this time of year, and one day find ourselves in coats, gloves and blankets on KJ's football sideline, and practically the next day all three of my children are in the backyard sunshine in pairs of shorts and nothing more.  (True story.)  (Today.)

This feels like the time of year to pay attention, slow down, and look closely.

And to be outside as much as possible.

Yesterday morning we went park-hopping, from one to the next for a few hours until we really needed to get focused on written school for the day.  I was able to move around with my camera nestled in the nook of my right arm, and my kids had the opportunity to explore, and visit all sorts of different hills and sticks and playground equipment.

On our last stop, as I cleaned up from our picnic lunch and my kids played at the butterfly park, a man who was there watching his grandaughter started a conversation with me.  He was friendly enough, talking about his own grown children, and then noticing that I had older kids, he asked if we homeschool.  

This is the funny door to walk through, as a homeschooler, because you never know quite what will be on the other side of it, with a stranger.  Almost always it is assumed that you and your children are shut-ins, as was the case yesterday.  The man went on for quite a while, about how he has lots of friends who homeschool (exactly like people who attempt to cover over racial biases by bringing to mind all of the fill-in-the-blank friends they have) and the most important thing that I should remember is to take my children out places.  You know, so they can socialize.

I always get stuck here, in a conversation, part realizing that I have no need to justify myself, my choices or the regularity of our outings to anyone, but on the flip of this, also understanding that our family is an example of effective, adventurous, wonderful homeschooling, and that with each conversation I have the opportunity to add to its good name or not.

I carefully explained that homeschoolers traditionally get a bad rap about socialization, from the fringe people of our widely assorted group, and that this is untrue of homeschoolers, in my experience.  We interact with all sorts of kids in all sorts of settings, blah blah blah, and we think outside the box and learn from the world, and all cultures and skin colors are beautiful and gay people are regular ol' people, too.  Okay I didn't go that far.

The guy was clearly set in his judgments for what our group is like, and waste my time no further, we were off to find more Fall.   

Nothing like a little digression, eh friends?

I hope that you are enjoying the pretty leaves wherever you are, and celebrating who you are and what you love in this moment, in whatever form that may come.

I throw my hands up in the air sometimes...

I guess you could take that title one of two ways, but I was quoting a fun and energizing song.  My oldest child has been singing it without taking a breath, I think, for several days now.

I wanna celebrate and live my life, 

singing Ayo! Baby let's go!

So it is mid-September already, and we are about to witness the color scheme of these pictures shift from their Lake Michigan blues, sands and silvers to green.  All green!  

(And soon, bright red, fire orange and explosive yellow, yes, friends?  Fall is upon us.)

See that special kind of Autumn late-afternoon sunshine?  There it is!

My favorite.

And monarch butterflies all around, and Canadian Geese up above in their V-formations for the long journey South-- the kids and I wishing them well on their way.

Early Fall, September, draws me to the outdoors even more so than during the summer months, I think.  It is a different time when sweatshirt weather taps you on the shoulder by surprise, and then the two of you play chase for a few weeks, until finally you're ready to snuggle up by the fire together for a few long months.

I remember once during my senior year of college, being asked randomly by a professor what my hobbies were.  And truthfully I did not know myself well at the time.  I worked, a lot, and went to class-- lots and lots of class, and I went on dates with Kevin to the movies and to the local bar with my girlfriends for Malibu rum & pineapple juice over ice, in little plastic cups, for a buck or two.  

"Hiking," I blurted out in response.  And then I sort of stepped outside of my self and cocked my head to the side and gave a puzzled look to the girl who just said that, because I did not hike, then.  At all.

But it was like we were meant to be, the woods and I, and my rapidly growing-up family.  I just could not have understood this, back then.

What would I have done back then, with my one wild and precious life?  (I love that Mary Oliver quote.)  Back then, I would become a shiny new teacher, and a partner.  And now?  An experienced teacher-- in my best classroom yet, and a partner redefined many times over, in this year fifteen.

What will I do now, with my one wild and precious life?  Now that I am here? Photograph and explore, paint and sew, cook, travel, dabble in poetry, meditate and exercise bravery.  And learn and grow alongside my children every day.  Breathe it in deeply and be who I am, a girl on land, in the process of becoming whatever comes next.  It feels like the perfect thing to do, because there is no external force, no person's opinion, no thing I can ever think of that would be worth waking up to say, I am not the person I want to be.      

So early September calls my crew to hiking shoes and the changing woods, and of course to the zoo, and to the apple orchard every year.  

Mmm, yes, the apple orchard.  We understand by now, the differences between the Galas, Granny Smiths and Red Delicious, and that to get an apple off of a tree you must first twist, then pull.  And after that, of course, shine it up on your pant leg and take a big bite.

Everyone right down to Marin can weave the tale of Johnny Appleseed, and bake cobbler, and create apple art.  

I honestly cannot put rhyme or reason to it.  Nothing more than it being the perfect way to celebrate September.

I did these things with KJ and Jack in the very first few weeks we ever homeschooled, a few years ago, and every year since.  By now my big guy has mostly outgrown apple prints, but I am lucky enough to have a new preschooler coming up through the ranks, and she is very excited about investigating cores and seeds and textures with her Kindergarten brother.

This, our third year of homeschooling, is the year of the project.  Exploration! One true, unapologetic mess after the next all for the sake of enjoying, and also learning at the same time.

Dare I say I think we are getting a rhythm down?  

(Year three, friends.  Sense emerges.)  

When I compile our list of topics to investigate, we generally start in the same place each year and build.  We are lovers of the outdoors, and so we do trees and plants in the Fall.  And Native Americans.  And Space, because it's fun.

Jack is especially interested in all things Space, here with his diorama-in-the-works that includes the Hercules constellation, wielding his giant club somewhere in the neighborhood south of the Little Dipper.  We were also so excited to read of the fifty newly discovered exoplanets this week.  What great timing, Scientists.

So honestly I was a bit unsure of my footing, stepping out of summer this year and into the cooler season.  I knew I was doing well with sunsets on the beach and pb & j's and rock collecting, so I was not thrilled with letting go just yet. But little by little, through the process of diving head first into our school year and embracing the goodness that comes with the dawn of a new phase, 

we've arrived here.

Happily!

And it's birthday season!

Marin, myself, my sister and KJ all together in just a few short, super-celebrated weeks.

My sister and sister-in-law?  Pure genius.  This is how you weave together a couple very different party themes, apparently.

My baby is now three, and my oldest on the brink of nine.  I remember nine, vividly, and I attempt to remind myself over and over that he will too.

Here's to making it count: every day, every step, every exchange. And every swiftly changing leaf, and child.

August, Late.

We are closing out our final week before we begin school for the year.  Of course we homeschool, so we can still hike, paint, or whatever we like to do during the summer... only there is a new breeze blowing in.  And it smells like a fresh box of crayons.

Summer and I, right now, are standing together holding hands like two nine year old girls.  I know she has to go, but I'm making her promise that she will return soon so that we can spend long, sunny days together again before I know it.

(She promises.)

As we wrapped up summer camp a few weeks ago I took a look at all of the great things we've done in the last few months, and thought about what we were still lacking.  We needed a little more hiking, a little more time with the warm waves, and a little more purpose-free art.

Off we went.

The kids befriended a stick bug,

Marin and I buddied up for Trail Seven,

we constructed a backyard teepee (nobody tell Marin that the Indians didn't have Nerf Bono glasses, m'kay?)

and in a surprising twist of Haircut Salon Fate, my guy asked for short hair.  

My instinct was to slap the scissors right out of twenty-two year old Tiffany's hand, and send her to time out for even allowing him to entertain the idea while getting a normal trim.  But alas there was no reason for him not to have a new style-- a big kid style, at that, and so I agreed.

What next, driving?  Radio control?  Coffee drinking?  

(Noooooooooo.)

With the arrival of September's sunshiny, cooler days comes birthday season in our family.  September is the month of cake, is what I am telling you.

Little Missy will celebrate her third birthday next week.

And her sixteenth the week after, apparently.

Somewhere in the middle of this coming month my sister and I will celebrate our birthdays, and finish out with KJ turning nine after that.  And two days from now, or three because we can never remember exactly which day we are supposed to recognize, Kevin and I will head into year fifteen together.  

Time flies when you're having fun.

And we are.

Celebrate Something--- Everything.

These sunny, warm days... they have been so good to me.

To us.

Kevin blew out thirty-five candles a few weeks back using no fewer than seven aging breaths, and we celebrated with a night of Rock and Roll Bowling.  It was a random suggestion from KJ for something fun to do with Dad on his day,

and now it comes highly recommended from our troop.  We'd not taken the kids bowling since I was pregnant with Marin, and this was such a great night for our five-- laughing, dancing, slurping slushies and occasionally watching Marin's ball make it from her little hands to the pins in less than three hours.

On another evening we stayed outside well into darkness so that I could teach the kids to catch fireflies (Life List Number 63) with the promise, of course, that they would take good care and release them from jarred captivity before bed. It was incredible fun.

Last weekend we celebrated our country's freedom as we chased down and stuffed pockets full of candy at our town's parade, and we watched fireworks in the park, and grilled and partied, swam and partied some more.

And we have all been celebrating our best buddies this summer.  We count ourselves so blessed.

A couple weeks ago the girls and I got together to attend Chicago's Gay Pride Parade, which boasts a colorful, joyful, celebratory-- electrifying atmosphere that I have rarely experienced elsewhere.  Beautiful, and fun.

There were seas of people to wade through, an event that I was just happy to be part of.  Experiencing the rapture of being alive, as the great Joseph Campbell would say.

A celebration of being who you are and loving who you love.

A moment on a sunshine-filled, colorful day to freely breathe in and out, and celebrate happiness and hope in the face of discrimination-too-often and felt hardship. Celebration, because you are good, whoever you are, and you are created by God and you are part of me, and I you.  So in celebrating you I celebrate me, and I pray that your highest potential as a citizen and a human being will be realized.

Celebration and Hope.

I have spent the better part of five months now, digging into the deepest parts of myself and my past, and shaping my best self for now and the future.  Last winter was one of the more difficult ones I have navigated, as I cycled through a pretty fair depression and began learning how to lean into my vulnerabilities and heartaches, drawing from the abundance of compassion and validation that abides within.  It was something so intense for me that never could have played out here on my blog, and so many times as I posted one quiet set of pictures after the next I wondered what I could do with this writing space anymore.  And it became an occasionally-visited holding place, for this segment of its lifespan.

Over the months I read one book after the next-- usually two and three at the same time, and meditated, painted and photographed, balanced my chakras and worked with acupressure and sound therapies and made all sorts of adjustments to my diet.  And I have sat in many deep, joyful, tear-filled conversations with a trusted few this year.  Letting go of the perfect and opening myself up to the amazing, abundant and true.

Kevin and I explored domestic and Ugandan adoption again, and closed the door (permanently) to the idea of a fourth infant-- even though the thought was a sweet one when it did not include concepts such as weekly trips to the grocery store with four in tow, or homeschool or field trips or sleep, glorious sleep.  We tossed around thoughts of relocation to the East Coast and poked through Master's Programs as I ran with hypothetical When's and Why's and How's. 

Where do we belong, and who do we need to serve?  A shifting of heart, so to speak, and lots of fresh perspective, elation and gratitude.  The whole world in a brand new way.

I remain committed to homeschool and being home for now, and staying for want rather than for the unquestioned and unexplored.  Committed to something new.  And then the valid answer to a few remaining questions, I don't know yet.

We are celebrating-- oh, are we ever.  Here, Kevin with our little nephew who is sweet as sugar.

(A moment for me to scrape my melted heart from the patio, if you would.)

And last night a once-in-a-lifetime experience with the ever-inspiring Bono, and his little known band, U2.  

A double-coffee kind of summer, if there ever was one.

And celebration, at this moment, much like calling out the color blue and looking around the room to suddenly notice the abundance of that particular hue.  Here, so much to be grateful for and excited about.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch

I know I've been a terribly spotty blogger so far this summer.  But I could not resist checking in to announce the arrival of our dear friends Bree & Luke-- Liam Benjamin.  He was born this morning at 9:48am, weighing 9 lbs 8 oz, and 22 inches long.  And he is perfect.

In the mean time, I have been holding down the fort...

Playing some hopscotch,

snapping a few pictures,

collecting some rocks,

playing in sand,

and taking a little road trip (uh, yes I am slightly outnumbered here)

to get in some cuddle time with sweet baby Liam.  

There is nothing like holding a brand new baby, eh friends?  Congratulations Bree and Luke!

Long Weekend Happy

1. The smell of a bookstore

2. Long weekends with Kevin home, and enough free time to take it in

3. Asparagus, broccoli or cauliflower tossed with olive oil, garlic, salt and pepper and a little parmesan cheese, charred on the grill

4. Writing with smooth ink gel pens

5. Longevity (and hilarity) (and safety) (and perfection) of sisters

6. Snuggling up with my kids, reading together

7. Hiking with my amazing people

8. Laying in my bed in the middle of the afternoon, on fresh, cool sheets

9. The way warm summer sunshine feels on my skin

10.  Songs with good messages

11.  Knowing when to clean up toys and when the mess is only play put on hold

12.  The colors and light throughout the movie “Something’s Gotta Give”

13.  Rocking my baby (toddler!) as many times a day as she wants

14.  Sunrises and sunsets

15.  The way my skin feels tight after an afternoon swim

16.  Twenty-two pounds and counting

17.  Realizing shared interests, and talking them to death

18.  A really good, can’t-put-it-down book

19.  Bright red, sweet baby tomatoes right out of the back yard

20.  Noticing tiny pictures on my vision boards come to life

21.  Spending quiet evenings with my girlfriends, no matter what we do together

22.  A clean swept kitchen floor

23.  Elephants

24.  The way I don’t want to slow down to meditate, but then when I do, I never want to leave that place

25.  Taking walks in late fall afternoons when the sun gives that orange glow, just newly returning to sweaters, brown shoes and socks and hearing the wind blowing the leaves in the trees and crunching as we walk through

26.  Crushed up crackers in broccoli cheddar soup

27.  The quiet peace and sheer excitement that coexist perfectly late at night on Christmas Eve

28.  Starbucks coffee.  Black with a little ice.

29.  Wild flowers

30.  Finding the strength to do what I once believed myself incapable of

31.  Driving with all of the car windows open, great music playing on the radio

32.  Encounters with strangers where you realize a deep, momentary connection, and wondering what that was all about

33.  The softness of my children’s skin and the smell of their wet hair at night, after a bath

34.  That moment of gratitude after realizing I reacted to something in precisely the way I would have wanted, had I time to plan

35.  The feeling of such freedom that is driving across the country

36.  Sleeping at night with a fan blowing cool air into our bedroom window, while laying snug beneath several layers of blankets

37.  The moments just before the moment you’ve been waiting for

38.  Sliced bananas and cool whip

39.  The quick sound of my camera’s shutter

40.  Waking up to realize I’ve been dreaming about loved ones who have passed away

41.  Stopping my day to tell one of my kids that I love them.  That I really, really love them.

42.  Black-eyed Susans

43.  Perfect lines of trees

44.  Taking the kids apple picking

45.  Noticing elderly couples together, and hoping for the gift that is growing old with the person you love

46.  Soft green grass, blue skies.

47.  Hearing my kids crack each other up

48.  Jackson’s gifts of backyard flowers

49.  Opening ourselves up to the possibility...

50. A nice big glass of afternoon chocolate milk

Return to Glory

What day is it?  

October.

(Name that movie.)

Uh, so I have been away for a little while.  I did not plan anything this way, but we were just crazy busy one Monday.  And then Tuesday a field trip, and Wednesday and...you know how it goes.  I believe the possibility exists for us to have it all, just, eh, not all at once.  And this place has been neglected for the sake of favorites such as Sleep! Laundry! Reading! Photographic Study of the Inner Workings of the Colorful Spring Tulips, Sprawling in the Delicious Green Grass and Making Our Merry Way to the Tops of Skyscrapers!

Also, we've been out of town the last three weekends.  

A sampling of our recent weeks, if I may:

These guys have been buddies since they were eleven months and eight months old, respectively.  And now they are about to be third graders.  How is that possible?  We headed up to Wisconsin to help celebrate our friends' First Communion.

Once upon a time, for every male child I gave life to, my friend Cindy had a set of twins.

And then when it came to my pregnancy with Marin, she bailed on me.  Come on.  What's three sets of twins?!

Marin and I then hopped down to Indianapolis to spend time with our pals of the Toddler Variety, where we compared Be-llieeees! with my girlfriend Bree the clear winner with baby number three now at thirty-three weeks gestation.

And most recently we returned home from our very first vacation with buddies! Along with our dear friends we took our collective five (nearing six) children to a water park resort up in Wisconsin Dells where we rode the slides and the waves, played laser tag, mini golf and board games, and generally wreaked noisy havoc on our neighbors up North.

They'll have us back.  They liked our Pottery Painting Skillz.

The Crazy Brave Dads driving The Man Van, loaded up with four boys and all the testosterone and DVDs a vacationing crew could handle.  (Meanwhile the two moms and So-Far-Solo Girl enjoyed endless chat and Zoobles and Adele tunes for our relaxing, peaceful drive.)

Honorable mention:  Vacation Bread.   Girlfriends don't let pregnant girlfriends carb out alone, so it was all the ice cream and tread bread this momentary Weight Watchers deviant could handle.  I had to do it for my friend...and her baby.

(Did I mention that I had many inches of hair cut off a few weeks ago?  I am feeling so free these days!)

In between the busy weekends, we've done our best to enjoy the on-and-off Springtime weather with a couple beach trips,

and hikes, 

and more than any other year I have taken the time this year to soak in the beautiful days and watch the vibrant green leaves grow from bare tree branches.

I have watched the Oak leaves turn colors in the fall a thousand times, but I never spent my Spring days watching them emerge from within the life-filled trees.  This simple shot of the baby Oak leaves is probably one of the most personally gratifying pictures I've ever taken, and if I could have stood there all afternoon to watch them grow in the amazingly fast way that they do, I might have.

Early in the day on Mother's Day this year, we made a special trip to a nearby Arboretum to spend a little time with just our five, and during our visit we came upon rolling hills of soft green grass-- perfect for relaxing in together on a Sunday afternoon.

And, you know.  War cries.

Another day it was our feet on the glass floor, 103 stories above the noisy Chicago streets at the top of the Willis Tower.  I've been telling my kids for nearly a year now that I would take them up on a clear day, and we finally found it.

We found that, and time for a quick, mid-day ice cream break with Kevin, whose office is conveniently located across the street from said tall tower.  

We've spent a little time at the Art Institute,

with the endless, worded flights of stairs that I someday plan to read all of, on a trip of my own.

We've appreciated the art near home,

and experienced a couple of super-fun plays, recently.

And often, we have been found doing exactly what we should do when beautiful days return in May.

Myself included.

Thirteen to Love

1. Climbing trees

2. Long Sunday Drives

3. Being the guy who the butterfly lands on

4. A day shopping home decor with the girls

5. Breaking the big news to the five little buddies...we're going on vacation together!

6. Vanilla Milk

7. Watching the tall, bare, beautiful trees reach for the blue Spring skies

8. Wearing my favorite necklace: From little seeds grow mighty trees

9. Signs Applicable

10.  Thirteen point five years later, he not only runs to the grocery store but he stops to buy me flowers on the way home

11. When I was a little girl I used to pretend these long lines of concrete at our zoo were my little sidewalks.  I used to imagine that I could live at this (my favorite place) and I was just walking through my beautiful neighborhood.  All grown up now, I bring my kids here regularly and watch them run on the concrete.  Full circle is wonderful, especially when it involves favorites.

12. Living close enough to visit.

13. A surprise eighty degree Sunday in April, and having Daddy home to give swing pushes.

Overhaul

It started back at our massive adoption decision and my winter blues a couple months ago.  And then a decision to be okay.  New books, new music, a larger commitment to meditation, new motivation, new diet.  I have succeeded at losing fourteen pounds now, still holding strong with Weight Watchers and my big goals for 2011.  I've torn apart every closet and cabinet in the house and piled donations atop donations into the middle of our garage.  Then I cleaned out our garage.  And called the giant Salvation Army truck for a pick-up.  And then Amvets for round two.

This, of course, symptomatic for the organizing that is taking place within.  I love feeling motivated.  I love that I am a ridiculously driven person and then the moments I get to pick up and run with the whole deal.  

We're running!

I went for a haircut and a highlight, which happens about every fourteenth new moon, because it felt appropriate.  Easy on the color, I remember telling my girl, and then she crept up behind me Tom and Jerry Style and clobbered me in the head with something large, knocking me out cold.  I woke up to a bumpin' headache and the hair color of a thousand caramel ice cream sundaes.  You know, if caramel sundaes had hair, which they don't because that would be gross.  Anyway, she got color happy, and it's a good thing I am up for all things new.  My hair continues to work at lifetime longness, now halfway down my back, and colorful.  

(Wherein picture of brushed bronze closet hardware stands in for segue.)

In keeping with the theme that we are slowly changing things in this house, like floors and faucets and fixtures (oh my!) and that most of our home renovation ideas had been placed on the back burner in order to save for our adoption, which is now again many years off, I had been looking at two enormous eye sores for three and a half years now: closet knobs and kitchen/living room flooring.

So last week I decided we could finally rid ourselves of the nasty, cheap golden knobs on closet doors throughout the house, and sixty dollars later I was both contentedly smiling and scratching my head wondering why I had waited three and a half years to spend sixty measly bucks.  Next to go will be our awful green mailbox with the broken red arm, which is actually leaning into the road on an angle now thanks to winter snow plows.  Another sixty, or maybe quick one hundred dollar fix. Three point five years later.

On the not so inexpensive but large in my mind list, flooring.  We traded beat up, faded linoleum in our bathrooms last winter for beautiful tile that I still love, and from the moment we first toured this house I knew that the kitchen and living room floors would need some serious attention.  Thankfully, this year after losing our souls our asses Oprah's life savings enormous amounts of money on the old house we are seeing a pretty good tax refund.  (About one tenth of our losses, so let me go ahead now, as your personal financial planner, and recommend that you avoid the whole home selling disaster altogether. You're welcome.)

So now I am learning terms like, floating, locking, nail-down and the difference between laminates, vinyls and true hardwood.  Who knew this was so complicated?

Also complicating matters are the light colored baseboards in our house, of which I have truthfully never been a fan (and have often fantasized about painting white, including window frames, closet doors and baseboards throughout, you know, all nine freaking rooms of the house).  So the sheen, the texture and the color has to at least kind of match what we have.  I am loving the wide planks and the darker brown the better, but alas the matchy thing again...  So I find myself texting sample pictures to my like-minded home decor girlfriend and she sends me running through my house with samples to hold up to kitchen cabinets and couches as I cradle the phone on my shoulder.

I will save you the suspense and share that sample number three, above, is looking like the winner now forty twenty-six three minutes before the kids and I are slated to meet Kevin at the flooring store, to put our money where our mouth is.

Now if I could only get us out the door...