Better days

This post was almost titled The No Bullshit Adoption Disclaimer.  Two days ago I wanted to come here and scream from the tops of my angry lungs, that anyone who was here to mock my family, disapprove of my family or dislike my family for the recent decision we made to grow our family, with, yes oh yes, a baby from Africa, needed to just leave.  I told a girlfriend of mine, at one point, that I was going to have a bright white t-shirt made for wearing as I walked down every street and through every store aisle that simply read Fuck You in bold lettering.  I felt hot-cheeked, ear-smoking mad at the whole country for a little while (hello, misdirected anger) because I could neither believe nor accept that we are still judging people based on the color of their skin in such a free, opportunity-filled place as the United States in the year 2010.  I was hurting for my baby, and hoo boy, I was pissed. 

I took time to work through it, and I found solice in those closest to me.  And I let it go.  Being angry or holding on to sorrows will hurt only myself and my family in the long run, and I want most of all to put my energy into what is good in the world, and to focus on our baby, our orphanage, our life's newest purpose.  There are people around me, both physically and all over the World Wide Web who have extended their hands and hearts to us (you guys!) and that support is more valued than I can ever explain, most especially in the midst of life's thunderstorms. 

I posted news to my facebook account early today, that our adoption application was accepted and we are now on the fast track to our baby.  Then the kids and I headed out to spend an afternoon with some of our homeschool friends-- one family, ironically, who is also looking to adopt internationally.  Kids from Marin's tiny size all the way through age ten or twelve, black and white, spent the afternoon playing together, and I swore that all felt right with the world again.  I hope this incredible, yet simple afternoon is what I remember most after a difficult few days.

Then I returned home to an inbox full of supportive comments and excited emails.  It was like Christmas morning, friends. 

For as long as I live, I never want to be void of the fact that all over the world, there are children in serious need.  If I've ever felt a calling for myself, I am pretty sure that this is it.  When I pull Marin up onto my chest, and we snuggle into our cushy rocking chair beneath her warm pink blanket, the fact is never lost on me that there is an outrageous number of children who have no one to love them in the way that mothers love their babies.  I have heard stories lately, as Kevin and I immerse ourselves into the world of adoptive families, of adopted babies crawling around floors of their new, safe homes looking for crumbs to eat, unable to trust that a next meal will come, and in the same, panicking as they are placed in their cribs, not knowing when someone will come back to hold them again.  That somehow sounds so dramatic to type, but God help me, how awful that it is reality at this very moment.

On multiple occasions in recent weeks, both Kevin and I have been asked by several people why we chose to adopt from Africa, and not here in the States.  I think it is a fair question, and I am relieved to know that there are many people in our country, such as my Aunt Kathy, who (did) adopt within the United States, and people like my mom and dad who foster parented.  At the end of the day for Kevin and I, though, once we had decided that for sure we wanted more children, and that a fourth c-section would be too risky for me, both of our minds went immediately to Africa.  For the millions of kids living on the streets and in packed orphanages there, even the most basic necessities such as clean drinking water, medicines and meals are unavailable.  If these kids can make it to adulthood, there is nothing even close to the hope for a prosperous life there, like what is offered by our country.  Part of me wants to ask in return, Why not Africa? in the most respectful way.  Countries there are full of such culture and beauty- what an addition to our family!  I also think that being born a US citizen and growing up with all of the freedoms and conveniences that we have in our country, we easily forget how pampered we are.  By the time we reach adulthood we've usually become so obsessed with The Pursuit of Happiness, and the constant pull for Bigger and Better, that we forget to count our many, many blessings, and spend far too many of our days griping.  Guilty as charged, here.  In the last couple years I've chosen to focus on my life's positives as often as I can be conscious of them, and it has brought me to the strong conviction that my many blessings also charge me with the responsibility to help, and help good.

I know that this is serious stuff, and so heavy, but as often as I've thought about children in Africa, and about the people suffering in Haiti this week, I realize that I remain quite new to a whole world recently opened up to me, and I am extremely sensitive.  I can't see from here how I will ever become a bit more dulled, but I suppose just as with motherhood in its brand newness, I may someday feel every tiny emotion slightly less, but also become more able-handed with what I know from experience.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking this journey with us, and I promise that Lighten Up will make it onto my to-do list, and soon.

Comments

[debi]

I had to come here before I went to sleep. I am so glad I did. What a strong and powerful post indeed. You do have a wonderful group of friends here that have your back. Stay strong Molly. Bless you and Kevin too.

[crookedeyebrow]

I love that you and Kevin are able to open your home to a child. ANY child.

I've been thinking of you and I hope your child finds you soon.

Much love to you!

[betsy]

well said. and I think you should make the shirt & wear it under a sweater as a backup answer when people give you the wonky eyes. am loving reading about your journeys!

[Michelle Z]

Maybe you should get a t-shirt that says, "Why not Africa?" It might go over better w/ the homeschool group than the "Fuck you!" shirt. Ha! I for one, am THRILLED for you! But that might be selfish - I love that you're doing this, too, while we are! Safety in numbers? Or confirmation I'm not insane?? Yet to be decided!

[Jacqueline]

I just want to say that I completely understand your decision to adopt abroad rather than in the US. For children here, there are opportunities afforded, even as orphans or foster children, that will never be afforded to children in other countries around the world. There is opportunity for education and financial assistance so that as adults they can make better lives for themselves. I am by no means downplaying the need for families to adopt in the US as well, but if (and hopefully when) we decide to adopt, it will certainly be in a foreign country where the children don't yet have the hope of a better life like American children do. As a matter of fact, I've had my eye on bringing home a Nepali baby for quite some time. Now we just need to decide when is best for our family. Congrats & good luck!

[sheri]

It gives me chills to think that somewhere right now there is a child waiting to join your family, he or she may have a tough life right now but soon he or she will be with your warm loving family, what a truly awesome gift! Wishing you all the best and cannot wait for the updates!

[Liz]

I know I've been M.I.A. in the blog world but never fear ,sister...I STILL READ :)
When I read you were adopting from Africa, I called Hilary and we both said "yep...that's Molly!" It didn't surprise either of us because of your generous nature and it made us both wish we were more like you. I can't wait to hear more about your new addition! xoxo

[Frema]

Your application was accepted! HOORAY!

I hear you on the other stuff, too. But this is very exciting news not to be downplayed! For some reason, I assumed it would take a lot longer to process an application.

[Laylabean]

I really admire you, Molly. It sounds like a very tough process and it's inspiring to see you go for it. I think you're smart to prepare for the inevitable stupid people and stupid comments you'll encounter as a mixed family. It's incredibly awful that, like you said, that goes on in 2010 America, but it does and you'll be an awesome support system for your baby to help him/her deal with it.

[Erica]

I really like your t-shirt idea :) It applies to so many things! Some baby somewhere is going to be so lucky to have you and your family. Good luck. Hang in there.

[Bethany]

Just don't wear the shirt to the adoption interview ;)

Congratulations!!

[BetteJo]

You know a part of me really wants to say "how dare someone question your decision?!?" But I guess I understand the curiosity. Still, people adopt from countries all over the world, and why they choose as they do - I'm sure there are as many reasons as countries.

This is the best place on earth to live and we take the richness of our freedoms and comforts for granted. To give a child from a place where they may have no hope for a future the chance to grow up here is an amazing gift.

Some people cannot step outside their comfort zone and adopt a child that may be different from the expected - but you and Kevin obviously have the love and the desire to bring a child to this country and into your family and are probably more qualified than many to do so.

I truly hope no one bothers to comment or contact you with negative responses. My God, this is a HUGE thing you are doing and after all is said and done - a baby is a baby, a child is a child. We all start out that way and we grow into human beings, not crayons. I admire what you are doing tremendously.

[heels]

I think it's just WONDERFUL. Congratulations on getting your application approved!

[Maternal Mirth]

I wish you ONLY the best of luck and all the love this will bring your family :o)

[SJ]

I admire you and your family for doing what you are doing. And your kids? Are going to grow up being that much more educated and aware and loving. And really, a child is a child - period.

I'm so happy that your application was approved, and so quickly! I can't wait to meet family member #6!