Goodbye, So Soon

Even a bit faster than I thought it could happen, the three-year-old preschool Saga of Tears has come to an end.

I was going to give it the week, this week, remember?

So in the car tonight, on our way home from a library-sponsored bubble demonstration (what is it about bubbles that can make even adults so doggone happy?) I reminded Jack that he would need to get to bed on time tonight to be rested for preschool in the morning.  And then, silence.

I asked him if he was going to be okay, and with the small voice that is forcing back tears, he said yes, that he would try to be okay.

I suppose I should go back and say that his anxiety about preschool is pouring all over our lives, these days.  Anytime there is mention of me so much as leaving the house for twenty minutes without him, there are tears, clinging and wailing until I agree to bring him along.  He refused to stay behind and play with Kevin's mom last week while I ran to the hardware store, and then this afternoon it took much cajoling for him to go with Kevin's aunt, and KJ, for ice cream.  I had to convince my three-year-old to go out for ice cream.

He was a clingy baby, and a clingy toddler.  I didn't mind.  I gave him what he needed.  (A baby bjorn.)  Some babies just want to be closer to their mothers than others, is all.  Then this summer, as he settled into age three, he became a bit more independent.  He even attended two sleep-overs with family.

But school has taken us backwards, quite a bit.

So as his worry quickly turned to tears in the back seat of our car this evening, I finally offered that Kevin and I would not make him attend preschool this year if he wasn't ready.  I had been waiting, dead-bolting my mouth shut, before uttering those words-- to make sure I was giving my boy the fairest shake possible with school.  What was enough?  Two weeks?  Three?  I could tell it wasn't time, after the first two days.  And when I finally gave him permission to be Not Ready, he sighed, and I could easily feel his relief.  And then he cried harder.

Did he think he was disappointing us, or that there was something wrong with letting go of whatever is Just Not For You at a given point?  Most certainly, therein lies a reminder for myself and for all of us in grown-up land who are punching in for a million different requirements, large and tiny.  March to the beat of your own drummer, for goodness sakes. How long do we get here?  Eighty years, at best?  And then what?  Holy hell, be happy NOW. Live honest.   

I told him it was okay, and that maybe going to school would be easier when he is four.  He repeated that, and felt better. 

So this fall we will carry on with our original plan to continue swim lessons at the YMCA, and maybe try out a new sport.  And we will visit the library, the museums, the apple orchard, pumpkin farm and the zoo, and we will explore the massive middle chunk of our country. And try out parent-attended karate in the winter, as per Jackson's request. 

He will be fine.  And I will be mostly within his reach for another year.  

And besides, I really don't see his teenage years being spent perusing the fabric store with his mother, because he's not a fan of hanging out with friends.  We really don't hear those tales very often.

Comments

[Michelle Z]

Well. Good for Jack. He'll be fine, you're right of course!

[Nikki]

Molly, you trusted your feelings and that's a brave thing. Jackson is going to grow up to be a well-rounded adult with no anxiety issues and be more than capable of making friends. What a gift. Wishing you a fabulous autumn term.

[AJU5's Mom]

I think you made the right decision. He just wasn't ready. Hopefully a year of small activities will help him be ready next year!

[C @ Kid Things]

You tried. He'll be fine. That last paragraph is what I keep clinging to with my 3 year old. I can see a lot of him in your son and I'm pretty sure my son would have the exact same reaction.

[Frema]

Poor Jack, being so sad about school! It sounds like he'll have a fun year regardless. We have the rest of our lives for school--besides, he'll still be getting a wonderful education with you and KJ every day. So he won't be missing out on a single thing.

[debi]

I can feel the relief all the way in New Mexico. Good call Molly, really. Three is so young to be away from home and mommy. I love the way you "mother" your children. I cannot wait to see pics of your fall adventures.

[Erica]

Good for you! It's not like he needed it for socialization, he has siblings and you are out and about doing things. He really didn't need it to learn letters, numbers, etc. because he has you! Enjoy your time with your babies. Everyone will be much happier without that hanging over their heads. Have a great fall.

[Jen L.]

You are a smart, smart mama. I needed to hear this story today. We put so much pressure on our kids to do certain things at certain times that I think it's easy to lose sight of the fact that kids are individuals. Just because my 20 month old doesn't speak in complete sentences (does ANY 20 month old?) does not mean he isn't smart. Good job following his lead.

[SJ]

I think you are doing a good thing for Jack! And he's not going to miss out on a thing being home with you and KJ.

Smart mama you are to trust your instincts. Good for you.

[Emily]

I have a post about this brewing, too.

Asher sounds SO MUCH like Jack. I didn't enroll him in preschool this year, either. I think he needs another year of learning how to talk (he just started making sentences a couple of months ago, and he still won't talk to anyone he doesn't know really well) and be independent. Plus, he missed the cutoff for the school year by 10 days, so technically, we're still three years away from kindergarten anyway. I don't think he has to have three years of preschool. I think two will be fine. If I even decide he needs two... I kind of like having him home with me.

[rkmama]

I agonized over putting Rowan in preschool last year because she had just turned three in August. I thought it would end in disaster and guess what? She took to it like a fish to water. Every kid is different (duh) and sometimes I think we focus too much on what our child "should" be doing at a certain age, instead of taking that child's very unique needs and interests into account.
I think Jack will do just awesome regardless of participation in a preschool program because you are so dang committed. This is what he needed and you listened. Good for you.

[Laylabean]

Wise mama. I pulled both my girls out of preschool at midterm, it just wasn't for them. They were ready for Kindergarten but before that, not so much.

[Corinne]

It sounds like you all did what needed to be done. Trust yourself, and trust your little one. Time will go by so quickly, and before you know it he'll be loving school, but enjoy the time with him close by while it lasts.

[BetteJo]

You gave it a try - tested the waters - and decided it wasn't time. Jack will be fine without preschool this year, hell - some kids still don't go to preschool at all! You're a good mom, trust in that.