And all at once there was much ado about the universe, longevity and the damn treadmill

My website, it needed a little tweaking.  And I am still working on it, FYI, should you find the place a mess.  (Don't tell me you're looking at my half-finished mess, eh?)

So last week was...well...just what you would expect when this sort of thing happens.  I hope she was satisfied with everything, and that she is happy and free from suffering now.  I will never again hear Nat King Cole's "Smile" without thinking of my Aunt.  She chose the song herself to be played, and we did, several times.  And several times since.  So fitting a last message from her, it was.

And also as things go when this sort of thing happens, or for me when it is an average Tuesday afternoon with blue or even grey skies and I'm washing dishes, it leads to the sudden overwhelming realization that, Damn, We Don't Get Very Long Here.  Just like that, we are here and then we are gone. 

Then of course I proceed to over-analyze all that falls in the middle of Here and Gone, and pinpoint the places where I know I fail to push myself to my greatest potential and how I plan to accomplish all of those quiet little enormous goals I find so appropriate for Some Day.  Next thing you know I've got myself fifty-six years old publishing my third book, having raised seven children, three or four of whom we adopted from far-away Africa and oh wait, reality returns as I suddenly notice three-year-old Jackson sauntering around the kitchen with khaki shorts around his ankles, waiting for his mother to snap out of it and pull his damn pants up already.  He needs a green popsicle, too.

All of my tumor tests came back fine and well in the middle of everything last week, so we carry on cheerfully for another three months.  In the wake of it all I also decided it was high time I increase my own life insurance, having not done so since KJ's birth almost seven years ago.  And knowing full well that we've been unneccesarily paying terribly inflated premiums all these years for the sake of convenience, I gave our Insurance Everything Agent a jingle for a quote. 

Now, all those years ago when I initiated the policy I was, as you may remember, quite a bit more overweight than I am presently.  And because Joe Insurance worries mostly about whether his clients help themselves to heaping bowls of cookie dough ice cream in hard times, and not so much whether they drive drunk, whore around on weekends or smoke heroin, I was rated higher than average in terms of my premium.  I lost almost a hundred pounds a few years after that, of course, mostly by pushing our double stroller up and down the main streets of town right past Joe Insurance's office window, but I don't think I quite got over the humiliation of having the man call my twenty-three year old self out onto the stage carpet about my obesity back then, because even when I lost the weight I still lacked the gumption required to march in and drop a digital scale square in the middle of the office's red carpet, demanding my effing premium back. 

So I'm on the phone with the man this afternoon, racing through the house to find the nearest quiet room with locking doorknob as he's explaining to me that I am doomed to shell out more cash because of my super-deathy-risky weight problem - of course having not seen me in years he is now sure that I am terribly fat and thirty (and have probably panicked and dyed my hair black at least once) (not) and suddenly I am reliving the awful conversation all over again.  Heh, I lost a whole ton of weight after I had my second child, I explain, but then quickly offer that I (JUST!) had another baby, though, and decide in my mind that I am in no way prepared to wade through this discount-no-discount bullshit again, I really could have been the Biggest God-Blessed Loser a couple years ago IF I ONLY WOULD HAVE JUST ADJUSTED THE RATES THEN. 

I had no idea if I would have been categorized as Just Fine this afternoon or Practically Crossing Over in his book, but I didn't want to know.  What I did want to know, however is why my premium for the exact same coverage as Kevin should cost more than double what his does.  Never might one refer to my husband The Little Guy, either.  I asked, and he referenced the weight factor again (hey man, do you have a wife?) and I kindly instructed him to go fly a kite as I combed the internet for a new company for the both of us.  I found more than one, thankfully, who did indeed ask my weight and it turned out to be not a big deal, even though I continue to carry more baby poundage than I'd prefer at this point. 

But I stewed (you bet your next bowl of ice cream I stewed) for quite a long time after that, deeply feeling the injustices of being obese whether I am or not or somewhere in between.  I was so mad about the whole thing- about that disconcerting conversation all those years ago; about the fact that food was, and still is so many days, my crutch and my comfort, and about not having the courage to correct things when I should have.  I was so angry and frustrated and sad today, that I worked so hard for so long to finally lose so much weight only to put half of it right back on during pregnancy and to now struggle again to get it back off.  I was terribly mad this afternoon for all of the overweight people who are mocked and stared at and looked past simply because their bodies become physical evidence of their coping with whatever life has thrown their way, when there are so many other addictions and problems that are simply not obvious at first glance. 

I was so damn mad this afternoon that I eventually marched down the stairs and turned on my treadmill.  I ran, allowing my feet to proudly pound the belt, over and over as hard and as fast as they could, daring myself to keep quiet the emotions I thought might cause my chest to burst- that I do deserve decent life insurance, and I will get this baby weight off.  And this time I'll march right in to Joe Insurance's office, slap my Other Company's life insurance papers on his desk and do ten - no - fifty - push-ups with one hand behind my back and one leg in the air, however that works.  And then I'll tell him...to pay for my rental house, and also the one I live in, should either of them ever burn to the ground.  Because I can imagine it a real pain in the ass to completely change insurance companies with that kind of stuff.

Hallelujah.  Holy Shit.

Comments

[Jen L.]

Thank you for the Clark Griswold reference--I love you even more now!

I've been thinking of you a lot lately. Know that I'm rooting for you on all fronts.

The blog looks great! The new masthead is really pretty. I'm thinking of tinkering with mine a bit. Summer kind of screams "Makeover!"

[Cindy]

So, how did your day go yesterday Moll?!?!
LMAO!!

[crookedeyebrow]

Where's the Tylenol.

I too love you just a bit more than I already did.

Run Molly Run...

Hang in there!

[Kate]

After reading these words - "I was terribly mad this afternoon for all of the overweight people who are mocked and stared at and looked past simply because their bodies become physical evidence of their coping with whatever life has thrown their way, when there are so many other addictions and problems that are simply not obvious at first glance" - I am forcing myself to de-lurk. Especially after the Clark Griswold reference.

Thank you. You get it.

[The Bug]

Just a thought to consider...If you got your insurance when you were 23, it will probably be cheaper to keep that policy because it is based on your age at 23. You should be able to get the surcharge removed if your health has changed, but a large part of premium cost comes from your age. Just a thought. I worked in insurance for a few years. Hope it helps!

[Mar]

Way to go sister... I have life insurance and they have never asked me my weight cause I might have to slap them if they did. I am so sorry that you have been going through all of the weight issues for your life insurance and I am sorry if anyone else has to go through that also. I would indeed find an insurance carrier that will take all the cars, life , and house insurance and go back to Joe's office and tell him to cancel everything and see his mouth drop! Now maybe if won't mean anything to him but it will hopefully bring you peace and joy knowing you do not need to talk to him EVER again. Keep getting out there and going for all your goals in life because I know you are such a big inspiration to me and I bet many others also. I love you so much! Mar

[Erica]

You go girl! Oh to be a fly on the wall of that agent's when you tell him where to stick it.