Do Over

I thought for sure on Monday morning, when I finally cut ties with this website, that I would finally feel a great sense of relief - finally, one less thing on my plate.  I had been considering it, honestly, for months already.  I hated the way my kids were put on hold and things around the house were neglected so I could crank out an entry several times a week, and I concluded that if I gave this one thing up it would allow me more time to scrape play-doh from every surface in my kitchen. 

My relief did not come, though. 

Instead, I've been so, so sad.

I have been thinking about it constantly - about how I can do this better, and how I might be able to publish something that I actually have time to proof read.  I've considered a new color scheme or layout, and I've given a lot of thought to how I might work time for this in differently (and the answer is, in between the 2am and 5am feedings, before the kids are up at 6:30 and the race for Not Late To Kindergarten begins, gah gah gah.)  

So instead of giving up blogging, I think now I will just get rid of the kids and the house instead.  For sure, that will solve my conundrum.

This is my Take Me Back, Baby entry.

Maybe what I need to say instead of goodbye, is that, DAMN, motherhood can be really freaking hard sometimes.  I want the absolute best for my kids, and I've figured out that, at least, means more of my time and undivided attention.  I want to live in a house with fairly clean floors and home-cooked nutritious dinners where there is infinitely less television watched than imagination exercised.  I want all of us to be readers and learners and to mostly get along.  I want outdoor time and weekly trips to the zoo and financial security.  And I have almost all of that, because I work really, really, holy crap, reeeeeally hard at it. 

But I also need time to myself and time to rejuvenate, and therein lies the lack.  I need time to write here and elsewhere, and for taking pictures and to pound my feet on the treadmill and to enjoy a book in between all of the laundry folding, bill paying, butt-wiping and grocery shopping. 

Maybe this is something I'll never figure out - how to get it all right.  Maybe what I need to accept is that I can get it mostly right and we'll still be okay.  (Will we?)

There was a good rythm to myself with two children every day.  The naps were figured out, the laundry was less, I had enough hands, eyes and ears, and I was finally returning to nice chunks of night-time sleep with children ages five and two.  We didn't see much of Kevin, but we were doing okay and making what we could of the time we had with him each week, because I could easily keep the nitty gritty under control while he was at work.

Then when Marin came along last September everything with our house sort of flopped on its head.  I tried from the first moment to get a grasp on how I was going to do this, because I had no choice.  And it has gotten easier over time, thankfully, but easier in a way that is not easy, you know?  It's not Marin, God help me don't think I blame my baby.  It's like mountain climbing with three backpacks strapped to you, just when you've built up the muscle required for two. 

Growing pains, right?

So long story short, I have no real plan, still.  (Ta-daa!)  I have concluded, however, that having this thing in my life makes me not sad, and a not sad mom is good for my kids, even if it means they've clocked an extra hour of damn Spongebob Squarepants against my better judgment.  I don't know how I will keep everything going once we begin homeschooling (because ohhh, we're going to!) but that can be a bridge we cross once our toes reach the first wood plank.  Or probably the third.

Comments

[debi]

I guess I never accepted you said goodbye cuz I have continued to check in a few times a day anyway. Now the tears are not sad ones. I feel much mo betta now. Thank you Molly.I really missed you.

[Alissa]

your goodbye caught me in the middle of our move... i'm so glad i didn't read it until you'd had already mostly sort of changed your mind, hopefully?

good thing too, or else I might have given you a right proper spanking!

[Isabel]

I'm happy to take you back.

No pressure.

[Jen L.]

Welcome back, baby! I am selfishly thrilled that you've come to this conclusion, mostly because I totally understand. My blog IS my "me time." If that means laundry sits in the dryer 10 extra minutes while the baby naps so I can write, so be it. It's my outlet and the folks who read it are my community. (That makes me sound lame. I do have real friends, too, of the human variety, and a part-time job even!)
We, your loyal readers, will take whatever we get from you, but at the end of the day, remember that your blog is YOURS. Hug, hug, hug. (I was totally getting sadder and sadder about your departure. I mean, I need to be around for things like the day Jack decides he likes to wear pants, ya know?)

[SheilaB]

Molly,
I for one am so glad that you are not leaving. I too did not want to accept it for I have been looking for another post from you to say "I changed my mind"! and YIPPEEE it came.
I think you are being way to hard on yourself. YES you want the very best for you kids and you want everything perfect. I understand for I use want to do everything and be perfect at it as well. LOL!!
However, you went from 2 children ages 5 and 2. Trust me having a 2 yr old would be hard enough, but then you added that precious NON-sleeping beautiful little girl. One you do not get much sleep, but also she is dependent upon you for EVERYTHING. When Marin was born things did not exactly start out on the easy foot either. You have gone through a lot in the last 6months, so that along makes things not be easy or the normal.
The other 2 are not as dependent on you as she is, but with a 2yo you have to be on your toes at all times in order to make sure he does not get into something to hurt himself (and I have also said that terrible 2's are just a warning of what they GAWD AWEFUL 3's are like) LOL!! So basically what you are finding out is that it is EXTREMELY hard to be a GOOD Mother to 3 young children. Once Marin grows up some it will get easier and at that time you might be able to have more of the perfect life. Right now though!! You need to take time for you (and us blog readers LOL!) and just take things one day at a time. So what if the house is not completely clean everyday of the year, so what if the kids watch a little extra TV so what, at least it is a children's show and you are monitoring what they do watch.
YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MOTHER AND ROLE MODEL to a lot of other mothers out there. Trust me I am VERY amazed at your Mothering (is that a word). I have seen so many Mothers who would rather put there kids in front of a TV for the whole day and night just so they are out of their hair and they do not have to deal with them at all. I understand that sometimes you just need them to sit down and be quiet and out of stuff for a little bit. That is NORMAL!
Just remember, you have to do fun things for you in order to be a fun Mother to the kids.

Thanks for coming and staying with us. I am EXCITED!!

Love,
Sheila

[BetteJo]

I didn't comment on your last post because I was mulling over what to say when someone arrived at my house and I was pulled away. I hope you do reconsider, but I also hope you stop putting so much pressure on yourself! You do better than most moms, with one hand tied behind your back.

But Molly, nobody can do every single thing perfectly 100% of the time. Giving up what just might be a little slice of your 'mental health' time in pursuit of perfection may not be the best choice.

And you know what else? If this blog DOES make you happy? Don't give it up. Just reconcile yourself to once a week posts. Or whatever might work for you. It's YOUR blog - you get to post when the spirit moves you. We will wait. :)

Besides, a happy and fulfilled mom is a better mom. Please let yourself stop and breathe now and again. It's SO important.

[Frema]

Hooray!

You are a wonderful writer. I'm glad you're here to stay! And hell yes, you deserve some Me Time with all that you do for your children. My personal blogging has been so sporadic for such a long time, and I can't wait for things to ease up a bit around here so I can give it more attention. I admire you for making the time.

[Bethany]

I'll always take you back!

[Liza]

I'm so glad I missed the good bye post -- the thing I've given up is a sad amount of my reading. I would hate to see you go.

Good luck finding the new equilibrium, and with all of your homeschooling project. I cannot even imagine.

[Parker_B]

"Baby come back, you can blame it all on me!" Lol, just thought of that swiffer commercial.

Seriously though, you're one of my favorite bloggers. We're happy with any posts you have time write. I just can't believe you're only a couple years older than me and balance so much- a house, husband, kids, etc. Really something to be proud of!

[Erica]

Oh Thank Goodness! Glad you had a change of heart:) Molly, in all seriousness, you are a great mom. Having 3 myself, I have learned you have to let some things go, so the laundry isn't folded (it's clean though), your kiddos are watching spongebob, and helping themselves to snacks (makes them independent thinkers)...but when it comes down to it, they know they are well loved, safe, full bellies and a happy home, and sometimes that is all they need. It is so hard to do that though, actually it has taken me almost 5 years and one day it was like I was slammed in the face w/ a ton of bricks and it hit me!!! My kids are ok, not just ok, but totally awesome. We are doing this...ok I could go on for days and you have already realized you need you time and the world won't fall apart. Hang in there girl.

[Kim]

Molly,
I totally understand how you are feeling. I am the mother of 4 very busy kids (15, 13, 10, 8) and I also work. My husband works an hour away from our home and so the daily schedule of getting all to school, daily baseball practices, dance classes, homework etc, which never seem to line up time wise, are pretty much left to me. Some days I need literally to be in 4 different places all at the same time. I to want to be the perfect mother to my kids, I want to make sure everyone has what they need when they need it. But over the last few years I have had to come to terms with letting go a little of my expectations of myself. Although I am overwhelmed a lot of the time, I have very happy, heathly children.
I do my best and I know that. My children know I love them and I know they love me back. You will figure it out as you go, don't give up something that makes you happy, you are right a happy mother is better for your family than a sad one. Pick out the most important things and do those first, after that the rest can wait. A Happy mom means a happy homes. I wish you well and will continue to check back for your entries that I enjoy so much.

[Amy W]

I can't wait to hear about Homeschooling! You better write about all the nitty gritty details!

Glad you are back!

[Tina]

welcome back, freak! =)

[Cindy]

Hey Moll~
Let me first start by saying, even though you are back, I am going to try SO MUCH harder to call you more often! TA DAHH! Ok? I miss you so much. I hate being so far away that our kids can not play on a monthly bases. They miss your kids so badly that they get so excited when I mention the work car trip or Indiana.

Now that is nice we will have to meet up more - if possible.

I hear you when you say you want to be the best mom possible for you kids. But you need a place to vent, relax, and just be you, too.

You are a good mom, or you wouldnt be worrying about how you are going to get it all done in a single day.

It is a lot to raise 3 kids, deal with medical issues, be a good wife, clean the house, but you have to give yourself to breathing room too, or you will go nuts! Believe me, I KNOW.
So give yourself a pat ont he back, tell yourslef, " I am smart enough, I am good enough, and damit, people like me"!!

Love ya!

[Nikki]

Oh, Molly, joyous Monday lunchtime!! Just post when you truly have time. We'll keep checking in and it will be a lovely surprise for us all when there's something new to read. I think you already are a fabulous mum. A friend said to me several years ago, although I didn't heed it then but wish I had now, that you'll never look back and wish you'd done more laundry or hoovered more often. It seems to me you put far more time and effort into your family than a great many people so a bit to TV really won't do them any harm. Now, go and have five minutes of 'me' time.