Winding road

Well, we're home.

We actually arrived home late last night after a long, wonderful and equally horrible, three days in the hospital.

As Bree said (thanks Bree!) Marin Ann was born at 8:04am on Friday, September 5th by c-section.  She weighed 6 pounds 4 ounces and was 18 inches long.  We were so happy to welcome her into the world.

Everything leading up to the c-section went okay, with little sleep beforehand, but also very little panic beforehand as well.  Just after I was able to kiss my baby girl for the first time, she was whisked off to the nursery with her daddy in tow, while I was to be closed up and recovered.  Unfortunately, in that finishing-up process my doctor discovered a rather large tumor on my left ovary, and ended up taking most of the ovary during the removal process.  (Is this not completely from out in left field?  I can't believe I'm typing it.)  It was sent down for an immediate biopsy, and so we waited, thankfully Kevin and my family and friends completely in the dark about any of it, for twenty or so minutes to know whether it was cancer.  The preliminary results came back as benign, thankfully, and the doctors and nurses in the operating room with me actually cheered when the news came back.  We are still waiting for an official report, but I expect that things should be fine.

So my quick surgery ended up taking infinitely longer, as did the recovery time downstairs.  And as we headed up to what I thought would be finally holding my baby, I found that she was being kept in the nursery for oxygen and monitoring.  Really, I figured it couldn't be much of a big deal - mainly because she was a c-section baby and hadn't finished getting all of the fluid out of her lungs.  We just waited.

Several hours later, we called the nursery to check on Marin again and they reported that she was being given fluids through an IV since she couldn't take anything orally with the oxygen on her face. 

A short time after that, the oxygen was removed and the IV was being kept only as a precaution.  But they still wanted to monitor, so I was still not allowed to see her.  And we waited more.

I was really beginning to get anxious about not having the opportunity to bond with my baby, now eight hours into her life, but the nurse casually informed me that I could not have her until she was bathed.

Bathed.

Guys, it was seriously getting out of control.  The nursery staff had really been getting frustrated with me because of my asking about the baby, how she was and when I could have her.  Eventually I really lost it, sobbing my heart out because I couldn't believe I'd given birth to her eight hours ago and was not allowed to see her over something that was so simple, completely rectified, and a bath.

Finally they brought her down to me, and I was able to hold her for a very brief ten minutes. 

It was a mass of bliss and frustration, but they took her right back to the nursery for more monitoring, more irritation with my checking up on her, more with not being allowed to see her.  I saw her again at 9pm for ten minutes, and then again at 5am. 

Somewhere in mid-morning I was chewed out on the phone by a nurse for not just letting them take care of her, since that was my third check-in phone call since nine the night before.  I was told not to call again until the neonatologist contacted me personally, and that from now on if I wanted to see my daughter I had better figure out how to get out of bed and come down there.

Against my better judgment I did get out of bed, in an unbelievable amount of pain, and walked down the hall to hold my baby.  Of course when I got down there they would not let me hold her at all, but would only allow me to touch her as she lay in her isolette.  At this point she had on two chest leads and an oxygen saturation monitor on her foot.  Certainly nothing that should prevent her being held, but by now they were terribly aggravated with my insistence to see the baby.  I asked for a chair, the nurse pushed over an armless computer chair on wheels.  I asked for something more sturdy (hi, this was the first time I'd been out of bed after surgery) and she plopped a pillow on the back of the chair. 

I sat with my baby and cried and cried again.  I couldn't believe this was happening.  There were no answers as to why she was being kept in the nursery now twenty-seven hours after birth and why she could not be held - only instructions to sit there and wait for the neonatologist.

Finally the neonatologist arrived and I asked about all the monitoring, and when I would be able to take her to my room.  She told me that she would be keeping her in the nursery at least one more day because when I'd had her for the short time at 5am, the oxygen saturation lead on her foot came loose and showed a drop from 99 to 75 (they like to keep it above 95.)  I explained that we saw the drop happen and that the minute we wiggled the lead on her foot it began reading correctly again and went right back up to 99.  She agreed that a faulty connection was probably the case, and confirmed that in twenty-seven hours this was the only time a drop had been seen.  And then she told me that, still, she would like to air on the side of caution, and asked me if I cared about the health and safety of my baby.

I was pretty blown away.  I had never imagined anything like this could happen, as everything I've ever read and come to believe says to bond with your child as long as she is reasonably healthy.  I called our pediatrician's office and they told me that their hands were tied - the neonatologist refused to release Marin to her normal doctor's care.

A little while later she was given her kidney ultrasound, and to add insult to injury, we were informed that Marin has severe hydronephrosis of her right kidney and that she should see a specialist immediately.  And she will, this Thursday.

Finally late in the afternoon of the second day, the neonatologist released us to our own pediatric office.  Marin's doctor agreed that there were no breathing issues and that she could come back to our room with us right away. 

I was so happy to finally have my family all together, knowing that things were then and would be okay.

KJ is above the moon (and stars and planets, fyi) about his baby sister, and Jack is very Jack and very two about the entire situation. 

He was really just there for the rubber gloves anyway.

Unfortunately, my persistence for seeing and keeping up with the medical conditions of my child had done harm to my relationship with above mentioned baby nurses, though things seemed to be fine with the OB side.   I've never had problems at all with hospital medical staff before this insane experience, but I suppose if relationships are to go wrong it might as well be over something as important as one's children.

As you can imagine, gaining a reputation for being the pain-in-the-ass mom on the floor (I'd do it again for you, baby) earned us some fantastic care and some fantastic attitude, which brought Kevin and I to the decision that leaving a day early was a must, as long as the doctors were on board. 

And they were,

so we did.

I wish that I could say now that we are now home everything is coming up roses, but obviously there are bumps in the road when it comes to c-section recovery and growing a family.  I'm sure the emotions and the swelling and the noise will all calm down over time, and eventually I'll stop beating myself up over Everything I Did Wrong In Those Early Days, but for tonight I just need some sleep.  And pain pills.

Please forgive me if my blogging is spotty, but for whatever reason I am an emotional wreck and feeling a deep desire to hide away from the world.  Mostly, I'm really tired and hurting, preparing to deal with my daughter's health problem and hopefully nothing of my own, and I've got to learn to swing three kids.  Thank you all so much for your wonderful support.  Reading your comments and emails has meant so much to me.

Comments

[BetteJo]

Oh Molly. You didn't do anything wrong. Obviously I have no idea what those nurses were thinking but Marin is your baby and you wanted her with you. If she couldn't be, you wanted to know why - and how she was doing.

She's where she should be now. :)

Totally happy you are home, safe and sound, albeit uncomfortable.

REST. And more rest. And revel in your wonderful, tiny pink bundle. Congratulations!!

[Parker]

De-lurking to say congratulations, Molly! Marin is absolutely beautiful, wow! I am so, so sorry to hear about your unbelievable treatment at the hospital, as well as your painful recovery and unexpected tumor scare.
At the same time, thank you for taking the time to document your birth story for us and share the whole crazy experience! I have you, Marin, and the rest of your family in my thoughts and prayers! God bless!

[H]

Sooooo sorry you had such a terrible time in the hospital! I know the frustration of being kept from your newborn and feeling isolated by the nursing staff and that alone can lead to being an emotional wreck. Good for you with your persistence and great mothering!

Glad you're home and thanks for more wonderful pictures! Thinking of you and praying that Thursday goes well.

Rest, rest, rest and allow yourself all of the hiding time you need.

[Julie]

Hang in there, Molly! You guys are all in my thoughts and prayers. Enjoy your time as a family of 5!

[Kelly]

Molly, Marin is just precious! Congratulations!

I am honestly just SHOCKED at the way that hospital staff treated you. You had every right to see your daughter and get updates on her... it makes me furious to read that they treated you that way!

Thinking good thoughts for you and Marin's upcoming doctor's visits. :)

[Stacey]

Wow. Just WOW. I am so glad you were able to post that whole story - I've really been wondering how everything went.

Marin is so precious, and the picture of her with KJ and Jack is so beautiful.

Readin your post brought back TOO VIVID memories of myself being an emotional, swollen, leaky, weepy mess exactly this time last year. We have all been there, and we'll all understand if you need to hide away while you get it back together (and you WILL, damn HORMONES). I'm still trying to come to grips with that myself - something about having three (or more) kids really makes you think twice about how you spend your free moments (when there are any)...hiding away always seems to be a winning choice. My blogging has been spotty for well over a year, thanks to Baby #3!

I'll be thinking about you and praying for baby Marin and the doctors caring for her. Sending lots of love :) Stacey

[debi]

I am so upset that you were treated in this way. With the stress you already had kind hearted nurses would have made such a difference. I agree you did everything right. Marin is such a pretty baby. My daughter had problems with one nurse and ended up being allowed to leave a day early because she reported the nurse and asked them to keep her away from her room. It breaks my heart that this will be your memory. But you will have better memories in time.I will have Marins name on the church prayer list by morning. We all love you,deb

[bubblewench]

I'm saddened that you had to go through that at the hospital. But I am also glad you were a persistent mother and I applaud you and your stance.

I will keep you and that beautiful little girl in my prayers.

Congrats again, and good luck.

[Jan]

Ah...welcome to the Moms Nurses Love to Hate Club......I actually rushed the nurses station, crossed the security point, set off all the alarms and GOT MY BABY because they would not give him to me. All because his sugar was low. Which it wouldn't have been if they hadn't removed him from my breast while I was still numb from the c-section. Pretty sure if I have any more kids, I will need to find a new hospital!

Your Marin is beautiful! Congratulations.

[Mrs. Higrens]

Had those nurses never dealt with an anxious mother before? I'm so sorry you had to go through that along with the ovary issue and Marin's kidney concerns. What a wrenching trifecta of horribleness.

Marin is adorable.

[Frema]

LOVE Marin's going-home outfit. :)

I felt so bad for you in the hospital; their casual dismissal of your concerns and your need to have your baby should definitely be reported to somebody. But I'm so glad you're home now and can care for Marin exactly how she needs to be.

Love you.

[Karen]

How incredibly horrible, Molly! I can not even imagine being treated in such a way. You have been through such a roller coaster of emotions--you should try to contact someone at the hospital who will listen to your complaints and take action on those jerks!

Thank God your tumor was benign. I'll say a prayer for you and Marin and hope her appointment goes well today.

[Debbie]

CONGRATULATIONS MOLLY !!! Marin is absolutely gorgeous, and so are her big brothers. Sorry to hear about you hospital experience, they should have been keeping you informed. Good luck with Marin's appointment, with the specialist, I just know everything is going to be fine. With Baby and yourself. Good luck again and talk to you soon.

[Christina]

Welcome home and congrats on one serisouly beautiful baby girl!

I CANNOT beleive the way you were treated at that hospital! I would be OUTRAGED! I too had a very shotty experience and left 28 hours after delivery because I wasnt even being fed... but not being able to hold your child is BS. Add to that your Ped office wouldnt help you out. No one should have to go throught this!

Please take time to bond with your family and rest when you can. I know you are busting with love and joy and cannot wait to read morea about it
Good luck on Thrusday with the kidney appointment.

[Hilary]

Oh, Molly. Honey. I just want to give you a big, big hug. You did nothing wrong. You did everything right. I can't believe some of the things I just read. Why on earth is it such a bad thing for a mother to be concerned for her child? Maybe the world would be a better place if there were more mothers like you and less nurses like them. I'd bet not a single one of them had to be seperated from their baby after delivery or they would have known how horrible that must be for you. Don't beat yourself up, Molly. Please. Your emotions are insane right now. They really are. I mean, not only having a baby but then having to deal with what you did and also having to have most of your ovary removed because of a tumor. My goodness, any of those on their own would cause a person to panic but you are dealing with them, and Marin's health, all at the same time. Take your pain pills and get some rest. Things will all come together. Give it time and rely on the support from your family and friends (real life and blogging). I'm sending my love and prayers to the Ray family.

[Rachel]

I am so glad to hear that you are all home. I cannot believe that you were treated that way! The nursing staff as well as the neonatologist could have at least explained to you the reasons for keeping Marin in the nursery. And telling you that you should find a way to get out of bed if you want to see your daughter is unacceptable. That is YOUR CHILD! You have every right in the world to hold her any damn time you choose! Besides that, a c-section is a major abdominal surgery. I've had one and I know how much pain you were in and how hard it is to get of bed, especially that first time.

I am so sorry that you had to go through that experience. You don't need to apologize for how you acted. Any mother would have done the same thing.

I will be praying for all of you and hoping that Marin's kidney problem is easily solved. And, again, she is a beautiful, beautiful baby girl.

xoxo

[Michelle Z]

I'm so glad to hear you're all home - just being in your own space has got to be a huge relief!

Hospital staff? UGH. How frustrating. I had similar experiences with Ruby - I didn't even get to hold her until the next day, when I could finally go to the nursery, they wouldn't bring her to me. Needless to say? Not very reassuring that she was okay. It was so much better once we got home.

I'll be thinking of you guys on Thursday - hope all goes well & you get some answers.

[r+k+mama]

"and asked me if I cared about the health and safety of my baby." WHAT??? Who would ask a mother this? I am so angry just reading about this, let alone having to go through it. Those nurses should have done everything in their power to get you close to Marin. It's called a wheelchair dumbasses, or a gurney. I'm shocked and appalled at your treatment and you have every right to feel every negative emotion. Right now your priority is Marin and your family but once things settle a bit I would file a complaint of massive proportions. I don't know you Molly, I stumbled on your blog through Frema's just recently but I will be praying for you and wishing you and Marin all the best in the coming weeks.
On a happier note, she is so so beautiful. Hide away and just love her if that's what you need, and remember to be kind to and love yourself, you did an amazing job.

[SSU]

So, I think those nurses are not normal! My daughter spent a week in the NICU/Special Care nursery because I got an infection during labor and she needed a little oxygen (combo of c-section and living about a mile high). The last day she was there I was talking to one of her nurses. She told me she loves it when parents call or spend a lot of time with the baby. Her nurses were always quick to get me a comfortable chair and let me hold her (except when she was under the lights for 24 hours). I am glad everything is fine now. She is a beautiful little girl!

[Tina]

I am still floored at how horrible they were about you seeing Baby Marin at the hospital, that is ridiculous! I am sorry you had to go through all that!

I am glad you guys are home and doing well!

cant wait to see you guys on Thursday! =)

love you.

[Erika]

Wow, no wonder you're feeling a little down. The nurses who gave you such a hard time sound like tools!

If they can't see why a mother would want to hold her child after giving birth to her, and have the nerve to make you get out of bed and sit in a crappy office chair just to see her, they have completely lost touch with what their jobs are.

Also, the neonatologist is obscenely rude for asking you if you care about the health of your child. What is wrong with those people?!

I'm glad you asked questions and got the heck out of Dodge before they could be any more obtuse and obnoxious.

Your baby girl is beautiful and you're doing great. You did nothing wrong and Marin is so lucky to have you as her mom. Good luck with your new family and I'll be praying for Marin's kidneys.

[Kellie]

I've been reading (stalking?) about the birth of your baby the last few days in silence. However, I HAD to comment on this post.

I am SO incredibly sorry for all you had to deal with following the birth of your daughter. It made my heart hurt to read how you were treated and how you weren't able to see your baby. Ugh. All of it.

I'll be thinking of you and your family and hoping for the best news regarding Marin's kidneys and your health, too!!

[Mar]

Molly - you are a wonderful mother and YOU did nothing wrong! I would have raised holy hell if the situation was switched. I tried to fight as much as I could for you on Friday when I was there to no advail. I'm so very happy that all of you are at home and safe and sound. No one for you to beg to have to see your baby. She is so very beautiful Mol and I feel so very blessed to be a part of her life. I love you and all my love and prayers are with you.

[Erin Benes]

Congratulations on your beautiful baby girl! She just took my breath away with her matching hat and gown. The picture with the three kids brought tears to my eyes, they are all precious. Congrats again and we will be praying for good news all around.

[Sarah]

Congratulations and welcome home! I'm so sorry that the nurses did nothing to calm you down and relieve your stress...I realize their first priority is the baby, but you have every right to see her or be told why it's not the right time.

Get lots of rest! And congratulations again!

[SJ]

I applaud you Molly for standing your ground and doing what any mother would do in your situation. You did nothing wrong, and I shake my finger at the insensitive hospital staff. How dare they treat you that way. Makes me angry.

I'm glad you have made it home finally to enjoy your complete family and I'll be thinking about you all during the next few days, weeks, months.

Marin is beautiful...and man oh man, the second photo you posted just turned me into a weepy mess...I can't see what I'm typing anymore.

Hang in there. Big Hugs to you all.

[liz]

i don't even know where to start or what to say about the horrible mistreatment of you in that hospital.

so i will say this: you are amazing and showed such restraint and maturity--both things i would not in the same situation. your daughter is precious and beautiful and the luckiest baby girl in the world to be loved by you and your boys. congratulations!

i will keep you all in my thoughts as you move forward with the kidney and the ovary business.

but know this: YOU ABSOLUTELY DID THE RIGHT THING. ABSOLUTELY.

[Beth]

She is absolutely beautiful - take care of yourself and don't worry, everything will be fine.

[glamgranola]

Oh my God! I've been the pain in the ass mom more times than I care to admit! You were completely in the right to care about the status of your brand new baby girl. I think others forget what it's like.

I'm thinking of you and sending all the positive vibes I can!

[Lizarita]

Just spend time with your babies for now. And recover and take care of yourself. And when you're feeling better let me know and I will drive up there and we will kick some nurses asses. MMMkay? xoxoxo

And Marin is so damn pretty.

[Jen L.]

She is so, SO beautiful! Your hospital story broke my heart. I am so sorry that was your experience for Marin's birth. It made me so sad and angry to read about how you were treated. NICU staff should be more compassionate, especially since the babies they care for need extra TLC and are often quite fragile. I'm glad you've got your girl home with you now and I pray that all goes well at her Thursday appointment.
Congrats again on your beautiful daughter.

[Jennifer]

I am so happy for you! Tears for someone I know only through a blog how pathetic am I? Baby Marin is in my thoughts and you too! Be well.

[Cindy]

WELCOME HOME!

Please know that if you need an ear, I am here for you.

I also believe you should report what happend. That is totally uncalled for.

After going after Riley's hospital for the "sponge" incident - I know every bit and piece of the system. If you need help, Just let me know.

Love you!

[Bunny]

Molly, I'm so glad you and Marin are home. You both look beautiful in those pictures. I am so sorry about your experience with the nurses. You are a truly strong mama and we are here to support you if only through the Internet and our prayers.

[elizabeth]

Gosh, if they're not going to tell you what is going on with your child, what can they expect? I'd've harassed them too. I mean, really?

Congratulations, she is beautiful! And I'm glad you're home, one big happy family.

[CPA Mom]

"I am an emotional wreck and feeling a deep desire to hide away from the world" - oh Molly. I wish I could help you but you know this too shall pass. You did everything right at the hospital - those nurses can SUCK IT - and you will do great at home. Get your groove back. Take care of you and those beautiful children. This blog should be the least of your worries. We will all be here, when you want to come back. Much love and many prayers to you all.

[Amy W]

As someone who has worked in a large health system, when you have time, definitely contact a patient rep or someone at the hospital. Those nurses should be reprimanded for how you were treated...

But she's beautiful!!

[Kim]

Congrats! She is just gorgeous! I had a horrible experience with nurses for my first son and then the ones with the last two were nothing short of wonderful! Sorry to hear about your experience!

[Annette]

Molly, I wish I could give you words of encouragement but ......
The anger that has welled up inside after reading about your treatment ......
Those nurses are a bunch of ..........
Accept any help you are given to get you through the times ahead. Marin and you and your family will be in my prayers.

[Melinda]

Way to be a proactive mom!! Screw the nurses! I had a slightly similar experience with #3. I usually say the only thing good out of that delivery experience was him. Besides, it doesn't matter if they don't like you, hopefully you'll never see them again.

Congrats on your little girl. She's so sweet and precious. Like others have said, take your meds and enjoy your baby. The blogging world will be ok without you, but we do look forward to your return.

[debi]

Molly Joe and I are keeping little Marin in our prayers today. I am sure everyone else is also. My love to you.

[crookedeyebrow]

Molly I know I'm late but I've been thinking of you!

Marlin is gorgeous and I hope you are all resting well and I look forward to more photos!

Once again, congrats!

[Becky]

Hey Molly,
Congrats on your beautiful baby girl. Marin is just precious and I love your pictures of her!
Sorry to hear the hospital stay was so bad... I agree with all the other commenter's that those nurses & doctors are just crazy. If you didn't care so much about her you wouldn't have called and asked about her and asked to see her... they really should have made SOME efforts to explain what was going on and get you to her if it was not possible for her to come to see you. Not sure if you are a breast feeder but hello what about bonding??? A comfortable chair and a little understanding would have gone a really long way. At least it is over and you can hug and kiss on your baby as much as you like!
Hopefully you are taking care of yourself and getting some rest.. enjoy your new sweet baby.. hope you get some good news today at the Doctor!

[Allison]

What an absolutely beautiful baby girl! You know what I say about baby girls? They're never too young for toenail polish...

And, um, nurses at said hospital? STUPID! And MEAN!! I can not believe they scolded you for checking in and told you not to call back!!!! I would have called repeatedly until I had that gorgeous baby in my arms!

Congratulations - all will be as it should be soon!

[Liza]

Molly, I am so sorry that you had such a horrible experience with the baby nurses. That's outrageous! Of course you want to see, hold, and be with your baby. Immediately and again ASAP for as long as possible.

I think those nurses can be real bullies. Even though Josie and I didn't have any medical issues, the nurses still pushed me really hard to let them take her to the nursery overnight. IMO, that's taking advantage of vulnerable, hormonal, emotional new moms.

Good for you for being a great advocate for your daughter.

[Jenny Bolz]

Molly, The way that those nurses treated you was inexcusable. Imagine, a postpartum mother who actually wants to bond with her baby....and you're denied? I have worked in the NICU before and have seen too many mothers who couldn't care less. That being said, for the ones who really do care, I have let moms hold their babies with arterial and central lines, feeding tubes, trachs, and catheters... which is why it is so UNBELIEVABLE to me that these nurses were making such a big deal over a little more than a pulse oximeter. You would think compassion would be a job requirement in this career! These nurses need to be taught a lesson. I hope you are planning to write a letter to the hospital and nursing supervisor. You would be completely justified. I am so sorry to hear about your experience, but I'm glad to hear that you're home. Hugs, Jenny

[Katie]

I am so sorry about the hospital! It seems they forgot who the baby belonged to and who the consumer was! Even so, I am sure bonding will be just fine. Good luck to you both with respect to your kidneys/ovaries :-)