What the World needs now, Is grocery store sedatives, sweet sedatives.

Or, reason #347 to maintain a blog:  To write imaginary letters to real people. 

Dearest Sweet Second-born Son Jackson,

You learned to walk four months ago.  You learned to run two months ago.  You learned to climb one month ago.  You learned to scream your little freakin crazy baby head off last week in the attempt to do a combination of previous said activities around the clock.  When we run out of food in the house?  That is when I take you and your brother to that hellish place known as the grocery store, and since you do not follow when I lead, it is of the utmost importance that you remain buckled into the cart.  Teddy Grahams, your paci, a sippy of milk, my car keys, trading my soul to the devil for a moment's peace in the spaghetti sauce aisle?  Nothing can calm your ravenous appetite for climbing into the cheese cooler. 

I am sorry that I insist on buying things to feed you on a weekly basis.  I will work on that. 

Love,

Mama

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Dearest Person Who Invented Cart Seat Belts,

Thank you.  God bless you.

Love,

Mama

---

Dearest Person Who Markets Teddy Grahams as an exciting snack for lunatic children in grocery stores,

It's not working.  Need more chocolate.

Love,

Mama

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Dearest Marge the Seven Hundred Year Old Checkout Lady,

I know he was screaming.  That's what he does, that one.  I'm sorry that when the credit card machine asked whether our cashier was friendly he smacked the no button and waved at you.  It was unintentional.  He can't read.  But if he could, he'd do it loudly.

Love,

Mama

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Last but not least I should write a letter to SJ to say thanks again for the Thinking Blogger Award.   

And in case you wondered, which you probably didn't but just humor me and pretend you did, it's irritating the living hell out of me that I can't convince bastard TypePad to center the image.  (Love you TypePad!  Monthly $14.95 hard at work!)

Now I get to present some awards!

1. Silly Hily, on her Hilarazzi blog.  I'm not sure how, but this girl has allllll the inside scoop on my very most favorite Grey's Anatomy, and she picks it apart for me and makes it that much more fun to keep up with.  Also, she's taken the Jazzercise world on by storm and motivates me to do actual exercise.  And what a feat that is. 

2. Rosie O'Donnell's blog.  For a girl who takes little interest in politics, Rosie's really had me thinking about the state of the Union a whole lot lately.  I heart her in so many ways.  Also, I hope that she Googles her name and finds this award, because I don't think I can be the big dork fan who emails her to tell her that I nominated her for an award that involves not a red carpet nor a trophy.  Hi Ro!  Love ya!

3. You know my good friend Frema had to make the list.  She is the one who got me thinking about blogging in the first place.  Also, she's written some great entries about budgeting and babies and family planning lately.

4. Another blogger that makes me think is Jessica at Kerflop.  She was the very first blog (after Frema, so, okay, the very second blog) that I got hooked on when I figured out what a blog actually was.   Her honesty about motherhood is quite inspiring to me, and the girl birthed babies at home, for cripe's sakes.  Also, when her children dump containers of flour and chocolate syrup on the floor I feel much better about my very similar days at home.

5. Last but not least, Dooce not only makes me think, but she inspires me to write better and photograph better every time I visit her site.  And why she has to Google her name to find this award?  See number two.

I believe I used the word and at the beginning of sentences a record thirty-nine times in this entry, so congratulations to me, I deserve another award for the most shiteous grammar.  I'll get on making a badge for that. 

(Permission to use bad grammar - reason number 348 to maintain a blog.)

Okay, now for real, I'm going to paint my bathroom.  I am going to sell this house, come hell or high water or weddings or belly aches from Cookie Dough Blizzards.  Check back Monday for befores and afters! 

Comments

[Sant]

Haha! I love the imaginary letters-- I could picture each of them so vividly, with the perfect ambience of Jackie shrieking to please pick him "dow" in the background. Why don't you just swallow him so he could be one with you?... grocery shopping would be so much easier:)

[Rachel]

Holy hell, Girl!! That has got to be the funniest thing I've read all damn day (sorry, Frema, I heart TLF too!)!

[Frema]

Hey, thanks for the nod! You are too kind.

Kerflop has done some amazing stuff. I've actually contemplated at-home birthing because of her, and I definitely want to give cloth diapers a try, when the time comes.

Also, I agree with all of your other nominees except...Rosie O'Donnell. I'm sorry, I do not like that woman! But hey, not everybody appreciates my devotion to Suze Orman. Different strokes for different folks!

[Silly Hily aka The Hilarazzi]

You are WAY too sweet. Thank you for the nomination! (Which reminds me, I totally have Grey's news I need to post.)
Your letters are hilarious! I love them. And (look, I use "And" at the beginning of a sentence all the frickin time) once again, I can totally relate. Dom is the same way. I swear those two are one in the same. I just posted at Silly Hily that he is just "days away from those first steps (God! Help! Me!)." Does Jack like riding in the car? Dom never has. Just when I thought he would adjust to it, now it pisses him off to be locked down. He screams!! Having to drive with a screaming kid in the back tests the patience like nothing else.

[Rachel]

I just read Hil's comment and damn, I thought Alyssa was the only weirdo baby that HATES riding in the car! I feel better now.

[kerflop]

Awww, thanks! I'm glad someone's thinking around here ;)

[Stacey]

I myself would like to jump into the cheese cooler some days.

I am going to come back and re-read this post over and over, because I am laughing hysterically at your letters and cannot stop. I had a very, to use your word, shiteous, visit to the grocery store this morning...thanks for the humorous perspective! I needed it!