Kid, You'll Move Mountains

On the very last day of my first year of teaching, I read Dr. Seuss' Oh The Places You'll Go to my eighth grade students.  A little bit fun, a little bit inspirational.  I love it. 

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own.  And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

One year later, I decided where I would go.  I went home, because I was six months pregnant and decided to quit my job and become a stay at home mom. 

At first I had a really, really hard time defining myself since I was no longer a financial contributor to our household.  Furthermore, I was swollen like a damn whale and on complete bed rest until KJ was born, and then my head swirled with sadness and overwhelmedness and thoughts of ending my life as I quietly worked through five months of adjusting to motherhood in the grips of post-pardum depression.  Oh, joy!

After a while, I learned to define myself in my pays-for-nothing position as mama.  I learned that stay-at-home-motherhood was far different from the ultimate boredom of stay-at-home-bedresting-pregnancyhood.  I was busy with KJ, and took over most of the jobs concerning the house, and learned to cook things, every day even.  When I grew a little bored again I sold Tastefully Simple for a while, and quickly learned that I am not so much the poster saleswoman for overpriced seasonings and cake mixes.  The half-priced beer bread mix was a damn good deal though. 

I was doing okay at home, dabbling in ebay sales and painting rooms sporadically, and we decided to have another baby.  Nearly two years later Jackson was born, under the same whale-like, hope-I-don't-die, my-blood-pressure-is-so-high-I-can-feel-it-pulsing-through-my-veins conditions that his brother entered the world.  If you've been reading for a while, you know that I was all about determination when Jack entered the world fifteen months ago.  I was not about to become entangled in the world of PPD again, so I got us up and out and moving and dieting and walking and shopping as fast as I could.  Good times! 

And when things start to happen,
don't worry.  Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll  start happening too.

I began blogging and dieting, and I started to work on my crap-ass self-esteem and personal direction.  I had no real plans for any of this, but oh boy did things start happening.  I learned to pay more attention to my instincts, and I've done more soul searching in the last fifteen months than I ever thought possible.  I have learned to live with purpose, and it makes all the difference.

In perfect timing Kevin and I stumbled upon The Secret, which in a big-picture sort of way is very in line with our thinking - believe, take action, get results.  And I started reading The Success Principles. 

Of course, all of this thinking and pondering going on while Kevin continues to work a sixth month of massive overtime, and I paint the house and get it ready to sell, and make extra money on Amazon and Ebay and put decent thought into blog entries and preschool and househunting and budgeting and exercising, and oh, right, raising children. 

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted.  But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin.
Do you dare to stay out?  Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

So this is where I slow.  I am so much a different person from that one two years ago - more aware, more in-control, very hopeful.  I feel like every dream on my brain's backburner that I thought I should never because I could never, could very possibly.  You know?  But then, I am still here.  I am still a stay at home mom, which is exactly where I feel I should be for the time, in a little house in a small town with no career and a little website. 

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

When I discuss the future with my close friends I have to stop myself from jumping out of my seat in excitement for what's to come.  Because for the first time I am brave enough to say that I am going somewhere.  I am going to make a difference in this world, and I can't wait to get there. 

But where?  And how?  And when?  Screeching tires.  Stay at home mom, little house, little neighborhood, little website, no career.

It's a little bit like having a million dollars in your checking account but no debit card.  I'm waiting for something to happen, something to open up.  The house to sell?  The kids to grow?  The right person to come along with the right opportunity?  I just don't know.

Mostly, this is why I've had a difficult time writing a blog entry that has anything to do with anything concrete in the last few weeks.  My head is swirling with all of the head stuff.

When I figure it out, I'll let you know.  Because most definitely, you're coming with me.

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored.  there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame!  You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Comments

[Stacey]

What a beautiful post. Thanks for saying what's in MY head too, as a stay at home mom / former teacher, since I can't seem to blog a complete SENTENCE lately.

Well said!!

[Kev]

Mol,
I think it's so great you are realizing the potential you have. You have already hit so many milestones that I can't begin to tell you how proud I am of you. You'll go to great places kid, and I am glad I get to go with you!

Love,
Kev

[Frema]

We must not be reading the same Lost A Sock blog, because I haven't noticed anything but fun and thoughtful posting going on here.

It's like Truvy said to Milynn on Steel Magnolias: "I don't know how you're doin' on the inside, honey, but your hair's holding up just beautiful."

Don't be so hard on yourself. That's my friend you're talking about!

[Sant]

Hi Low... this post... fantastic! Whether you're talking about blogging or life or whatever, what you wrote was totally universal and inspiring to say the least:)

I'm blessed to have you as a role model:)

...and as my golf caddy- zing!

[Amy W]

Great Post. I love that book and love the fact you read it to eighth graders. We all are on different paths, but this post speaks to us all.

[CPA Mom]

"But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? - - Carpe - - hear it? - - Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary."

Carpe Diem Molly, carpe diem.

You are doing something extraordinary right now - raising our next generation - and I have no doubt you will continue to realize your potential, no matter what you choose to do.

[Margarita]

THAT was one of the post beautiful, thought provoking posts I have ever read. I literally had CHILLS the entire time I was reading. I am so excited for you and where ever life leads you, I'm glad you are taking us along with you. Thank you for making me smile this morning.

[Silly Hily aka The Hilarazzi]

I'm waiting with you. Literally. Waiting for something to change. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for affordable health insurance. Waiting for my husbands business to make a big break. I'm waiting for all of that so I can be home with my kids. It was supposed to get easier to leave them every day but all of a sudden it's becoming more difficult.
I admire you so much. I really do. You are such an inspiration. Please know that and realize that. I also see a lot of your "small" things turning into "big" things. I really do.
So, I'll wait with you. And hopefully, something will happen if not for both of us, then at least for one of us.
Your job as a stay-at-home mom is far more important than any career could ever be.

[Rachel]

Aren't we all waiting for that next thing? Wonder what it will be and when it will happen?

Molly, I love this post! Mostly, because you have the courage to put down in writing the feelings you are having and have had.

I struggled with pregnancy induced depression while I was pregnant with Alyssa and it just got worse once she was born. I wish I had known more about it or knew someone that had struggled with it. I am so glad you kept yourself from going through it again.

It takes a strong person to do that. I hope that if (read: teehee, when) I get pregnant again, I can keep it from happening to me again.

[Isabel]

I can't wait!! It sounds very exciting and I hope I can come along for the ride!

[Erica]

What a great post. You touched on the thoughts in my head as well. How did you do that? I bet you were an awesome teacher and I know you must be an awesome mom.

[SJ]

What an inspirational post! This is why I feel like I have such a connection to you, we have a lot of the same thoughts, and desires.

And without a doubt, I'm coming with you! And I can't wait!

[SJ]

Oh, silly me....I forgot to tell you that I nominated YOU for an award. Check out my blog for details..

[Diane]

We get to say, "I knew her when!" :-)

[samibear]

Being a wife and Mother is the greatest calling. I know sometimes we need to be validated, to be told we're worth, and that we're contributing. It is a rewarding role. But hey, look at all the other things you do. I bet if you listed all your roles in life, you'd be amazed.